Cathi Update

I'm sitting here in the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center at Skyridge Hospital with Cathi as she gets her first chemo therapy medications.  We came at 9am and it's now about 12:30pm.  I think we have another couple of hours to go.  She's had blood tests and received her "pre" medication including an anti-nausea drug and a steroid.  Shown in the picture below is Cathi receiving one of the three chemo medicines...this one seems to be the most "notorious" of the bunch...I've heard it referred to as the "Red Devil".  The other two will be given to her through I.V.

Just as we've learned with all previous steps in this cancer treatment...once the mystery goes away, so does the fear.  The administration of the chemo drugs is no longer a mystery!  Cathi was pretty nervous about getting the line put in her port (the port that was surgically inserted under her skin about a week ago and is still very tender).  But as soon as it was done and especially as this red stuff started flowing, she had a big smile on her face and said, "I'm doing it!"  This next photo of Cathi eating lunch during her treatment shows the Cathi I remember at our wedding reception.  I couldn't eat a thing and kept asking myself, "what am I doing??"  Cathi seemed to become more animated and eat more voraciously as the evening went on (which made me even more nervous)!  Anyway...a sign that she's doing GREAT!

I will write more often during the next week to keep you all updated on how her body reacts to these drugs.  I'm working from home the rest of the week and will be keeping a close eye on her.  We also live in the best neighborhood and are part of the most awesome ward (Mormon congregation) in the entire world!  Every day we get calls and emails from people who want to do something to help.  I also have great friends at work who are constantly checking up on us.

I'll end today's post by passing on some advice that one of the oncology nurses (strongly) shared with me.  He looked at me and said, "Husband, your job is to immediately cut off anyone who wants to tell Cathi things they've heard or read about these drugs or share any kind of drama or sad story about chemo therapy."  I'll add to his words by saying...keep those positive stories and your great moral support coming!  We've just started perhaps the most difficult phase of this challenge and know we can get through it with your help.  We love each of you and express our gratitude in every prayer...for YOU!

Miracle #9 - Real Love

Cathi is doing well and ready to move forward with this next phase of her cancer treatment! Last night, we went out for her "last" big meal at Outback Steakhouse...before her taste buds change with the chemo therapy. We had a great time!

As we spent time with each other, I started realizing one of the many blessings we are experiencing from Cancer. We are falling in love again. Rather than half looking at the big screen television in the restaurant, I wanted to hear every word Cathi said. I caught myself looking at her smile and thinking, "I am married to the classiest, wittiest, most beautiful woman in the world." Like many married couples, over time, we've allowed ourselves to focus more and more on our own lives...my work, church responsibilities, my hobbies...her books, maintaining our home, transporting the kids, etc. Life can become so routine and predictable.  But who could have predicted cancer?  Last night, I put everything aside and focused on Cathi.

We came home, kicked the kids out of the basement and enjoyed watching a classic romance on Netflix. After a few

hours of watching these attractive movie stars portray the true meaning of passion and love, I turned off the TV and looked over at this 48 year old woman sitting next to me;  a woman who was raised in a small western mountain community that willingly uprooted from everything she knew to move to the East Coast with a husband and a brand new baby who she was a bit afraid of; a woman who bore four more children without family nearby as we continued to move around the country and leave familiar surroundings; a woman who, so many times, stood by patiently while her husband wrestled with pride and self-centeredness; a woman who, day after day, quietly built a place of refuge for her family, with tradition, music, literature, humor, faith and sacrifice.  I may not be brooding Heathcliff with extra broad shoulders and a manly chin...and Cathi may not be your typical tortured heroine with flowing tresses running down her slight frame...but we are learning what it means to really love and what it feels like to truly be loved.  Last night, after the credits stopped and the music faded, I was left feeling very grateful for something Cancer is teaching me.

Joy in the Journey

Leah decided to make her mom's cancer and how our family is handling it the subject of a recent school project.  Click below to watch her 8+ minute show.
 

Miracle #8

(from Cathi)

I'll admit that as a youngster, I had a bit of an obsession with medical shows and the "coolness" of being a doctor or a nurse.  I absolutely loved Marcus Welby,M.D. and Medical Center and thought that all of the doctor/nurse excitement was very glamorous. I even loved reading books about young girls who volunteered as candy stripers in large hospitals.  Oh, what an exciting life!

Later, as I got older, the glamour began to fade for me, and I was just happy that I didn't have to see a doctor or nurse very often.  I appreciated people who worked in medical professions (including my three great sisters-in-law, who are all very skilled nurses), but I really didn't give them much thought.  As an adult, I've appreciated  good Ob/Gyns, good pediatricians, and various specialists that we've gone to as we've had kids, raised kids, and just gone through the basics of life.  I've been disappointed and frustrated  at times with those who have treated me or our kids like just a bunch of body parts (or maybe just one specific body part) rather than an actual person.  Those kinds of people should be working in laboratories, rather than dealing with people in need! 

But today I'm thinking a lot about the many compassionate, skilled, WONDERFUL medical professionals who have helped me a great deal during the past couple of months.  I've been blessed to have many good people help me through this cancer journey, and I know I'm just getting started.  I'll mention a few...

Kristyn Everett is a physician's assistant here in Castle Rock, and she's the one who discovered the lump in my breast during my well-check in late-January.  I'm grateful for her thoroughness and skill and for her great, comforting demeanor.  She told me later that she's always very grateful when she's part of an early-detection experience.  Cancer is yucky, but early-detection is good!

The wonderful staff at the Sally Jobe diagnostic centers, who helped me with mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, and a breast MRI.  Every single person was kind, caring and helpful.

Dr. Jodi Widner, the surgeon who perfomed my mastectomy, is such a great doctor!  When Jerry and I first met her, she immediately put us at ease with the way that she explained things and the way she treated us.  I'm so grateful for her skill and for the way that she listens to me and to Jerry when we visit with her.  To me, she's all that a doctor should be.

The good folks at Littleton Adventist Hospital, where I had my mastectomy.  With the exception of one slightly loopy nurse named Bob (who tried to put a blood pressure cuff on my right arm--the arm with the nineteen lymph nodes removed--despite a bright pink reminder bracelet), I received excellent care and kindness during my stay there. Gratefully, nurses like Bob are the exception, rather than the rule. 

Dr. Michelle  Basche, my oncologist.  I don't relate to her personality as well as I do to Dr. Widner's, but she is an excellent, smart, caring doctor.  She has to explain a lot of yucky stuff in order to educate us well (so her job is very hard, in my opinion), and I'm grateful for her skill at what she does.

Dr. John Propp, the cardio-thoracic surgeon who performed my biopsy surgery last week.  When we found a mass of "something" on my PET scan two weeks ago, it was a pretty nerve-wracking time.  Of course, we tried to be optimistic and patient, but it was not easy.  So when Dr. Propp's office called and said that he'd meet me on a Monday, rather than a Friday, that was so nice--four less days of waiting.  And when we met him last Monday, it was a real blessing.  The way he treated us, answered questions, and spoke openly with us was just what I had been hoping and praying for.  He told us that if it were his wife in my situation, he would want answers FAST, that waiting is the worst possible part of medical challenges.  So true!  As you already know from this blog, Dr. Propp made room for my surgery the very next day, and the news was great--so much simpler than it could have been.

The wonderful staff at Medical Center of  Aurora, where I had the second surgery.  Every single person who helped  me (us) that day was top-of-the-line!  From the insurance/admittance person to the x-ray techs, EKG person, surgery prep nurses, recovery nurses, the anesthesiologist (who had a fabulous sense of humor), and my surgeon, Dr. Propp, I really

liked them all.  That morning, as I sat waiting in my cute little hospital gown, I thought about what a blessing it was to have skilled, compassionate, good-humored people helping me that day.  No, it wasn't fun to be having another surgery just twenty days after my mastectomy, but if I had to do it, what a great place to be.  Blessings like that are not to be taken for granted!

Kristy Hippe, my physical therapist.  Kristy is a lymphedema specialist, and she knows a lot about how to help people recover from mastectomies.  In just the two times that I've been able to visit her, she's helped me so much!  My range of motion is improving greatly!  She's helped me a lot in person, and she's also got me doing exercises here at home, and I'm grateful for what I can now do.  I look forward to visiting her a couple more times before I start chemo.

Here's a nice little note about Kristy: During my first visit with her, we  found out that we were both from Castle Rock, had daughters in 8th grade at Mesa Middle School, who were on the same academic team and in the school musical together.  Fun coincidences!  Yesterday, when I saw her again, she told me, "Now I know that my daughter and yours are quite good friends. Weeks ago, when Danielle came home and told me that her friend Emma's mom had breast cancer, I started praying for you.  I didn't know who you were, but our family prayed for you, and know I know you!"  I have no idea of her religious beliefs, but that really touched me.

The staff at the Rocky Mountain  Cancer Center at Sky Ridge Medical Center,especially the nurse who took Jerry and me through our chemo training the other day.  Wow, she was great!  Chemo is a complicated beast, and there are lots of things to learn and discuss, and this nurse was a breath of fresh air.  We talked about some scary (and wacky) side effects and how to monitor things in the coming weeks and months, but we didn't walk away feeling bleak and full of gloom and doom.  This nurse (and I wish I could remember her name) gave us good information, but she also was full of good humor and optimism.  She assured me that while she has to tell us about every side effect (like those crazy medicine commercials on TV), I won't have every single one.  Despite the challenges, chemo is definitely worth it, and she reassured us of that.

I'm so grateful for good people who have helped and will continue to help me in a challenging time of my life.  They're such blessings to me!  I can't forget all of the many doctors and scientists who keep making strides in the area of cancer research.  I don't know their names, but I'll give them a big THANK YOU, too. And to my favorite male nurse (one who didn't go to school for this but is learning quickly), Nurse Jerry:  THANKS FOR EVERYTHING!  I couldn't do it without you!

Cathi

Come What May, and Love It

It is ironic how past messages by our apostles and prophets now take on different meaning for me.  One talk in particular, is one I remember for its humor.  Elder Joseph Wirthlin, one of the twelve apostles, gave a talk in October 2008 entitled, "Come What May, and Love It."  At certain points of the talk, he had the congregation laughing so hard, we were wiping tears. 

This morning, as I prepare for this great Sabbath Day, I read the talk again...this time gaining profound insight with the simple principles he learned from his own experience with adversity.  One principle that is so relevant to me now, is the principle of compensation.  Elder Wirthlin said, "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

I know there are some who follow this blog that currently struggle with personal challenges that sometimes seem difficult to bear.  There are times when all the lights go out and we are left on our own to stop and contemplate the darkness.  Because I've watched and learned as Cathi and I have experienced this a few times recently, I want YOU to know that you cannot stop walking forward when all seems hopeless.  We came to this life to gain a better one.  I believe that, in these moments, we are making the most critical decisions of our lives.  These moments are our greatest opportunities to be tested and eventually compensated for whatever is being taken from us.  I know the Lord loves us because He has prepared a way for us to become like Him...and these moments are part of that journey. 

If you have some time, please read or watch Elder Wirthlin's entire message (particularly if you want a good laugh)...click http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng&query=come+may+love.  If you have only 3 1/2 minutes, click and watch the short version below.   

Cathi Update

We met with the oncologist again on Friday and now have a better idea of Cathi's treatment. Over the next two weeks, Cathi will have another surgery to install a port near her collar bone that will facilitate the chemo therapy. On April 12, Cathi will begin her first of six rounds of very aggressive medicines. She had a choice of a "two-drug" or a "three-drug" regimen and, being a true warrior, she chose the latter. The symptoms of fatigue, nausea, metalic taste, etc. will all be pretty strong and we were told she should expect to lose her hair, eyebrows, and her beautiful long eyelashes within the first two weeks.

Now that we are past the initial surgical challenges and the uncertainty of cancer spreading elsewhere, this next step is sort of settling in. While it's easy to forget the great miracles we've already witnessed and focus on this new, incredible physical challenge, we keep coming back to what we're being taught. It's all about faith, open communication (especially within our family), putting others before ourselves, looking for the learning and blessings along the way, and refusing to swallow this whole thing in its entirety...we're learning to take it one day at a time and sometimes, one moment at a time!

We love all of you and have come to appreciate your sensitivity and goodness over the past several weeks. We still need your prayers and have relied upon them many times.

And now, for your viewing pleasure...here are a few pictures of little Cathi Carroll growing up in Heber, UT.  When I was younger, our family made the trek through the mountains from Salt Lake through Heber to Vernal to visit my Grandmother Van Leuven.  I distinctly remember announcing, as we passed the old A&W on Main Street in Heber that I would someday marry a girl from Heber and become a dentist.  Well, I didn't quite make dental school, but I did marry the prettiest little gal from one of the prettiest little places on the earth. 

Miracle #7

I brought my laptop to the hospital to get some work done while waiting for Cathi's surgery to be finished. She’s been in the operating room for thirty minutes and I’m finding my mind wandering to the deeper principles of life rather than concentrating on work. Before her surgery, I watched Cathi sign a few papers, one for the surgeon and one for the anesthesiologist. It reminded me of a few months ago when I signed some waivers enabling me to face my fear and jump from an airplane at 12,000 feet. Both of us hesitant but determined to push on.

Yesterday morning, I began a slow, subtle descent down the path of logic. I began my morning prayers asking the Lord to help me to know what I should have faith in. Should I have the faith to know that “we can lick this” and have no doubt the Lord will agree with our desires…or should I have the faith to completely turn this over to the Lord and refuse to give into fear or discouragement? Which faith is stronger? Which faith is needed for me to lead my family?

Cathi can always tell when I’m struggling with something. So on our way to visit with the surgeon yesterday, I felt compelled to share my conflict with her. She became quiet and the mood became solemn. Finally, her reply to me was that I should have faith in both. She looked at me and said with resolution, “Jerry, I am going to fight this cancer with everything I have…my physical self, my mental self, and my spiritual self. And I will continue to have faith that I will fully recover from this.” What she was really saying was, “Jerry, I need you to be with me on this…I need you to have child-like faith that the Lord will bless us with this righteous desire and leave your rational thinking to the side.”

It was then that I realized that I had given into deception from the adversary. Although I started the morning with an innocent, selfless question, I had slowly turned my focus inward and gradually moved toward a world of “drama.” With Cathi’s response, it dawned on me that I was no longer feeling light but darkness. As a father, I’ve always used light and darkness to teach my kids how they can discern if the direction they are going is the right one. I was going the wrong direction and Cathi knew it. Ironically, Cathi was on this path just a few days earlier when she opened the door to my office, tear-stained face, asking if we could talk. In both cases, the Lord blessed us to help each other gain a perspective based on truth. In both cases, we backed off a dark path and experienced an increase of joy, peace, and determination. Truth is not based on man’s reasoning and is often illogical. Truth doesn’t change, science constantly changes. I was becoming more confused and discouraged and forgot something I already knew....truth sets us free and gives us power.

A good example of truth is found in humor. Last night we went out to dinner because we just needed to get out as a family. As we came out of the restaurant, the Denver area was experiencing 45 mile per hour winds. We could hardly stop laughing as we climbed into our van, vividly picturing a wig blowing off the head of our future bald Mom…and her running after it in her ever-so-athletic way…

This morning, both Cathi and I commented to the nurses that we had never been treated with so much kindness and wonderful service at any other hospital. After Cathi signed her papers, the anesthesiologist walked toward Cathi’s side just as the nurse was saying to me, “You can kiss her now and say goodbye.” Cathi had a look of horror on her face as she thought the nurse was speaking to the anesthesiologist! Once she realized the nurse was talking to me, we all started hooting and Cathi, practically crying from her laughter said, “this REALLY is a friendly hospital!”

I just got a call from the surgeon, who told me they did a thorough search inside the thoracic cavity and could NOT find any signs of cancer in Cathi's chest. Once again, another miracle. These past few days, since learning of the potential spreading of more cancer, we both felt ourselves being encompassed by darkness. Cathi had me married off to someone else who would be spoiling her grandchildren and I was going down a similar, dismal path. But the Lord has restored and even increased our light. It's almost like we've been given our future back. Cathi just told me she feels like doing the "Highland Fling." We know the next step of chemo therapy will not be an easy one nor will it be brief. But we feel so much stronger than we have since this challenge began. And once again, we've learned the Lord is in charge...and child-like faith is necessary for miracles to happen.

Cathi Update

Just got a call from the surgeon's office and Cathi is scheduled for surgery 11am tomorrow. Hopefully, we will know by end of day tomorrow if this area in the center of her chest is cancer or just evidence of the infection she had. Keep her in your prayers tonight!

Cathi Update

We just returned from a consultation with Cathi's new thoracic surgeon. He confirmed what we already knew and told us he will get Cathi on the schedule THIS WEEK. I had researched information on what I thought this procedure was on the internet this past weekend only to learn today that it is a less invasive, much quicker healing procedure than I have been worrying about. This was a great relief! This doctor was kind, approachable, and informative...and was an answer to all the specific things Cathi had prayed for. He is doing all he can to create room in his schedule for Cathi. We left with a great sense of relief...and again, an assurance that someone is watching over us. We believe that Cathi should be able to start chemo therapy sooner than we thought. More to come...

Cathi Update

Wednesday, Cathi had a full-body PET scan.  This morning, we met with her oncologist to go over the findings of all the tests, including the scan.  We've actually been looking forward to this appointment, thinking we will finally have a clearer perspective about the road ahead of us.  (This is especially true for the woman who alphabetizes our DVDs, fills our bathroom mirror with little "to do" notes for herself, and leads our family in a weekly planning meeting every Sunday.)

Unfortunately, the PET scan raised a concern about potential cancer in the center of Cathi's chest.  However, the oncologist told us that this highlighted image could either be the remains of an infection Cathi had last weekend when one of her drainage tubes became blocked or it could be a benign growth in some of the lymph nodes in that area.  It is uncertain at this point. 

The chemo is now on hold and we will be meeting with a new doctor who specializes in the cardiac-thoracic region of the body.  He will likely schedule a biopsy procedure where he will extract some of this tissue and test it for cancer.  Originally, the appointment wasn't until next Friday, but...after a few hours of watching Cathi struggle with this unexpected turn in the road, we were blessed with a "tender mercy."  We received a call this afternoon moving the appointment up to Monday (in just two days).  There is a slight possibility the procedure could even be done next week so that Cathi can begin her chemo treatment much sooner than we first thought.

Some would call these tender mercies just coincidence.  But I know what they really are.  This afternoon, someone needed to know that she hadn't been forgotten.  That phone call was His way of saying, "Cathi, I'm here."

From Cathi

GRATITUDE

It's been one month exactly since my cancer was diagnosed.  What a month it's been!  I can't say that it's been fun, but it truly has been a month of blessings.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I'd like to share just a few thoughts about gratitude.

In 2007, Sister Bonnie D. Parkin gave a wonderful talk in our LDS General Conference, all about gratitude.  I really liked something that she said, although it seemed hard to grasp at the time.  I put this quote in my journal and have read it from time to time. "Mercies and blessings come in different forms--sometimes as hard things.  Yet the Lord said, 'Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.'  All things means just that: good things, difficult things--not just some things.  He has commanded us to be grateful because He knows being grateful will make us happy.  This is another evidence of His love."

When I first heard that talk and later read it again and again, I thought, "How could I be grateful for ALL things, even the difficult ones?"  Well, now I'm learning that even those difficult things--and we all have them--are truly blessings if we can learn from them.  The Lord wants us to be happy, and a great way to be happy is to be grateful.

I am so grateful for the blessings in my life.  I've got a fantastic husband and wonderful kids who make me smile and laugh all the time.  I've got the greatest extended family members and friends that a person could ask for.  I've been flooded with cards, letters, phone calls, e-mails, food, and the most creative, delightful gifts that you could imagine, since this yucky cancer came into my life.  I feel so spoiled!  But even more than that, I've been blessed with the faith and prayers of great people everywhere.  My burden is being made light by all of you, and I'm truly grateful.  The Lord is in charge, and He knows what we need and when we need it, and I'm grateful for the blessing of knowing that.

Those are the BIG things for which I'm grateful.  But there are lots of little things, too.  For example, a friend dropped off a book that she thought I might like to borrow--one that she'd read and enjoyed and hoped that I'd like, too.  That's a small thing, but it meant the world to me.  And I could list pages of things similar to that, for which I'm very grateful.  In fact, in the coming days, I may contribute a bit more to Jerry's blog, just to share some of my feelings of gratitude. 

On a medical note, I had a follow-up visit with my surgeon yesterday.  Things are healing well, and I got to have my drains removed from my chest.  Now, that's something to be grateful for!  Hurray!

In closing, I want to share the words of a song that I sang when I was a little kid in Primary and Sunday School.  The words are very simple and repetitious, but they describe exactly what I'm feeling right now:

I am glad for many things, many things, many things.

I am glad for many things that are mine today.

Thank you, thank you, my heart sings, my heart sings, my heart sings.

Thank you for the many things that are mine today.

Cathi

Miracle #6

 

Emma



Leah

The other night, I heard shrieks of laughter coming from Cathi and the kids. I climbed the stairs, turned the corner and walked into a the middle of a strange fashion show. Last week, I bought Cathi some sort of camisole for women who have had mastectomies and need pockets for their drainage tubes. Along with the camisole came some "special" padding (we rarely say the "B" word in our home... :)  It was this special padding that was the subject of the fashion show...even Willy was getting into the act!

It was a nice reminder to not take myself or our challenges too seriously.  One reason I fell in love with my college buddy Cathi Carroll 25 years ago was her great wit.  The gift of humor is one of life's miracles that have gotten us through many "dramas" in our married life.  Here are some great quotes to think about...

"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."

William Arthur Ward

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It's jolted by every pebble on the road."

Henry Ward Beecher

"Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing."

Allen Klein

"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is."

Francis Bacon

"You can turn painful situations around through laughter."

Bill Cosby

Miracle #5

Now that we have a clearer expectation of our future, we made the decision to talk to Andrew today about his mom's cancer (Andrew is currently serving a church mission in the Dominican Republic with plans to return to the US in August). We have had some serious concerns about how he would take this news, not knowing if it would cause significant discouragement, anxiety, or even provoke his early return to the US. We've watched a fairly self-centered teenager turn into a mature young man who is now more focused on his convictions and on others around him. We didn't want this news to derail his growth.

Well, early this morning, we received Miracle #5. Without knowing the challenge our family is facing, Andrew emailed us, including the following...

"...I love yall. I have had two or three dreams where I was back in the USA and with you guys. I remember that in one of the dreams I asked whether I was allowed to keep being a missionary to which I was answered no. I remember the reality of the dream so much, and I remember that I just started sobbing. Weird, huh? As much as I love my family, am excited for the future, and miss the country I grew up in, I love this mission. It is a constant struggle to invite others to come unto Christ and to come unto Him yourself in the process. But I love it..."

We just now got off the phone with Andrew. Rather than spending our energy trying to choose words that would comfort and strengthen him, most of our time was spent listening to him comfort us and helping us see how this challenge fits into the Lord's plan for our family. This is NOT the same boy that left us 18 months ago. He also added that on Sunday, when our family (in the US) and many of our friends were including Cathi in a special fast and praying for her, Andrew felt inspired to fast and pray specifically for our family. He said that for the last several weeks, he has felt an unusual closeness to our family...and on Sunday, he felt a special bond with his mom in particular. We know this is NOT coincidence. This is just another one of the many tender mercies our family has been blessed with and another reminder of Who is in charge. If He remembers the "lillies of the field," certainly He is aware of a young man in the DR who has given two years to serve others. If He helps each "bird in the sky to fly," He will help our family not only get through these next months, but help us to FLY...

Click to listen to the Mo-Tab express how we are feeling right now...

Cathi Update

This picture was taken this morning...here is the strongest, most beautiful woman a guy could ever hope to be married to.

We just heard from the surgeon and here are the results of Cathi's pathology report:

- there was NO cancer in the left breast

- there were small tumors in the lymphatic channels

- The surgeon took out 17 lymph nodes and out of these 17, Cathi only had cancer in the original two lymph nodes that were removed

The surgeon said that Cathi will probably be facing six rounds (12-15 weeks) of chemo therapy and around five rounds of radiation after that. Our next step is for her to have a PET scan that will help determine if there is any cancer in any other part of her body at this point. I am trying to get that scheduled for next week.

Needless to say, we've had tears of joy this afternoon and a very humble family prayer to thank the Lord for these results. The surgeon told me that she could not have given any better results than this based on what she knew of Cathi after her surgery last week...it could have been much worse. We conclude that the Lord accepted all the prayer and fasting in Cathi's behalf and has blessed us with a tender mercy...something else we can hold onto.

After gathering the three kids and announcing this good news, Cathi broke down and cried. She (and I) were expecting cancer in several more lymph nodes. The first words out of her mouth were, "...then we can do this!" And we CAN!!

Cathi Update

I brought Cathi home from the hospital Thursday morning following her surgery on Wednesday. I instantly found myself in the role of male nurse! I'm slowly getting used to emptying her drains (something you might see on a really grotesque alien movie). We held the "unveiling" yesterday, just before she took her first warm shower. It was a little shocking, but not as much as we thought it would be. Cathi was a little nauseated and needed to sit down half way through the process. We celebrated this as another milestone and now realize that we will need to continue doing this often, because this is going to be a very long journey.

Cathi is still very tired and doesn't like to talk too much because of her raw throat (caused by intubation during her surgery). However, I think by Monday, she will be communicating a little more with all of you. She is SO appreciative of all the gifts, food, prayers, and messages of love and support we are receiving.

Miracle #4

At 2am Friday morning, I got up to empty Cathi's drains. As I was doing so, I thought to myself, "You know, this is really sick. And these things are attached to my wife. And soon she probably won't have any hair and will be battling fatigue and nausea periodically." I tried to sleep afterward but couldn't. So I went down to my office in our basement and stayed awake the rest of the night. For the first time since learning Cathi has cancer, I let myself really ponder what lies ahead of us, including Cathi's suffering through chemo therapy. Then I started to zero in on all of my inadequacies and how unprepared I am to deal with this challenge. By the time the sun started coming up, I got the kids together, read scriptures, said our morning family prayer, then took Leah to seminary (youth bible study)in silence. Someone at church asked, "How's Cathi doing?" I wanted to yell, "How do you think she's doing?" but gave a simple explanation and got back in the car. I began to cry and became SO angry. Why does Cathi need to suffer like this? It isn't fair that I'll have to watch her do this and watch the kids suffer. How will I be able to compensate when Cathi isn't able to give the kind of attention the kids are used to? Could I lose her? How would I ever be able to deal with this??

Needless to say, I went to a very dark place that was difficult to get out of. Even worse, I felt like there was no one I could turn to. Up to this point, I have been strong for everyone around me...and genuinely felt this way. I've been told a few times that I should always be strong for the family, especially for Cathi...so I knew I could never turn to the one person who knew me best, the one who knows all my weaknesses and yet loves me more than anyone else. I was alone.

Finally, after some prayer and pondering, I decided I needed to release my pent-up anger, fear, and discouragement to my best friend. I went into our bedroom, looked into the face of the woman who had just struggled through her own night of drama...and could do nothing else but hold her and cry. For about an hour, we talked about things we have been afraid to talk about. We held nothing back. Slowly, as we ended our talk and began to say a prayer, our hope, faith, and even joy were restored. I walked out of the room feeling stronger, more determined...and a little bit wiser...my fourth small miracle. Of course she can continue seeing me when I'm not my best. She knows me well enough to know I am not perfect but I am resilient and I will lead this family through our current crisis. I realized that every once-in-a-while, I will need nurturing too, and so will our kids and others around us who are sad about this trial. And that is okay.

Miracles #1, #2, #3

I began publishing "Small Miracles" on Facebook as positive therapy for myself to keep me focused on the positive aspects of this cancer experience. I also hope some of these might strike a cord of familiarity with you as you struggle through your own challenges and seek strength beyond your own to deal with the trials you experience. Here are the first three writings...

SMALL MIRACLE #1
2/23/2011

Last Tuesday evening, after learning that Cathi has cancer, I felt great desire to kick in and "get our family through this." I was so happy when Cathi asked me to run an errand for her...something I could easily do to reduce her burden...and make myself feel useful. After spending one hour of looking in the same places for my wallet, frustration turned to discouragement and I found myself sitting in the garage, in the dark, considering the possibility, "Maybe I won't be able to handle this." I spoke into the darkness saying, "I know Thou can help me find this dumb wallet. I know I need to have faith." Just then, I felt a spark of hope inside me and heard someone move in our bedroom above the garage. I instantly knew, somehow, with no doubt, that Cathi had found my wallet. Above the garage, Cathi had just finished saying her first prayer after learning of her cancer. She felt prompted to focus on all of her blessings, then at the end, she added a footnote asking for help to find "Jerry's wallet." She opened her eyes and there, in the crack of the chair she was leaning against, was my wallet. When the garage door opened and I saw her beautiful smile and her hand extending the wallet toward me, I knew this was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Jerry, just trust me. You can do this."


SMALL MIRACLE #2
2/24/2011

Sunday evening, we decided to make brownies and take to our bishop's family. Cathi asked our bishop and me for a Priesthood blessing. Since that blessing and some inspired counsel from our bishop, we have felt a very strong sense of peace and confidence that we can get through this challenge with cancer (like so many others have). Here's the irony...we learned on Monday that Cathi's tumor is bigger than we first thought and that she has more than one aggressive tumor. However, as we left the surgeon's office that morning, having made the decision for a bilateral mastectomy (scheduled for this Wednesday), we felt an INCREASE of confidence and even joy...and actually went out for breakfast to celebrate these feelings! THAT cannot be explained in worldly terms.

Just more evidence to us that someone far greater is in charge...


SMALL MIRACLE #3
3/3/2011

I heard myself telling a friend yesterday something I learned about the irony of faith. When the surgeon came out after operating on Cathi and told me that the cancer was not contained but spreading into her lymph nodes, I felt like someone had slugged me in the stomach. I immediately heard a familiar dark voice saying, “you thought you were exercising faith, but really, you are SO naïve.” I didn’t allow the voice to linger however, and was soon taught something very important. Faith is believing with all your heart that the Lord will cause something to change…and at the same time, being willing to readjust your thinking and continue to move forward with a new, fresh hope if the change doesn’t occur the way you want it to. The children of Israel were required to exercise faith that they would have manna to eat the following day without giving into their urge to gather more than they needed for the present (every day for 40 years). The family of Jared were required to NOT ever regret climbing into their barges each of the 344 days they were being “encompassed about by many waters.” Early handcart pioneers were asked to sing the songs of Zion as they buried their loved ones in the snow and kept walking with burdens they hadn’t bargained for rather than choosing to bury themselves in nagging doubt and bitterness. I’m learning that true faith will require the test of time, the test of humility, and the test of real and enduring trust in God. For me, this little discovery is a small miracle.

Cathi (Initial) Updates

2/12/2011

Hi Family & Friends,

I convinced Cathi to allow me to send this brief message to you. On Monday, Cathi had some testing done and we were told that she has a lump in her breast that is not a cyst and will require a biopsy and ultrasound this coming Monday. We should know the results on Tuesday. It’s been a rough week for Cathi with me being out of town and her alone with her thoughts. We plan to fast tomorrow (Sunday) and invite you to join your prayers with ours to ask that Cathi will be spared having cancer and if not, that our family will be strong through whatever lies ahead. We know there are many of you that are going through difficult challenges and have been great examples for us. We also know that the Lord is in control and find great peace in this knowledge.

I’ll send another message out on Tuesday to let you know what we find out.


2/15/2011

Jerry

Hi Family & Friends,

Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and faith. We have felt such an outpouring of love and concern from you and can’t begin to express how much peace and comfort this has brought our family. In addition to this support from you, both Cathi and I have felt an almost tangible peace and confidence since Sunday. It was a day full of meetings, callings, and business; but when we woke up on Monday, we woke up with light hearts and a sense of humor. It has continued to be a literal message from the Lord to us that He is in charge. We have known since Monday morning that if Cathi has cancer, it is exactly what the Lord wants us to pass through…no doubts.

Both biopsies confirm that Cathi has invasive ductile carcinoma cancer in her right breast with a grade rating of “high”. The doctor said this rating is much more common in younger women and that we shouldn’t let it make us more concerned. It is NOT indicative of the “stage” of cancer which will not be known until Cathi has surgery. From the tests done so far, it does not appear that the cancer has moved into the lymph nodes…for which we are very grateful. Our next steps are to schedule a breast MRI (which we will try to do in the next 1-2 days) and then to meet with a surgeon. I will be doing a lot of research so Cathi doesn’t have to wade through much on her own. I’m open to any valid information any of you have that you think might be helpful.

In Ether 6, we are told that the family of Jared stood on the shores of a vast ocean before crawling into some new-fangled barges but they “commended themselves unto the Lord.” We are smelling the unfamiliar sea salt and feeling the cold water lap at our feet as we begin this new journey, but know that we will never be without light and that nothing can break us as the waters encompass us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, the power that comes from this is real. We love you and are so grateful we are all family with a loving Father and Savior guiding our every move.

Jerry


2/22/2011

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick update on Cathi’s medical situation. We met with the surgeon and got the MRI results yesterday morning. We are 95% certain her surgery will be scheduled for Wednesday, March 2nd in the morning.

Cathi's tumor is actually 4.5cm (not 3cm like we thought). She also has another invasive high grade tumor about 2cm away from this one. In the other breast there is a small mass that appears to be cancer but they can't know without another biopsy. Still NO evidence the cancer is in her lymph nodes. We already had made the decision to surgically reduce ALL chances of further breast cancer if any slight sign of cancer showed up in her left breast. Chemo will only be needed if any cancer cells show up in her lymph nodes (which will be examined right after the surgery).

The most important thing you need to know is that since she received a blessing Sunday night that she would "fully recover," we have felt incredible peace of mind. Receiving more negative news yesterday has NOT phased us...rather, we left the surgeon's office lighter than we've felt in many days. Part of it was just getting knowledge and eliminating the mystery, part of it is complete trust in this surgeon (who heads the surgical staff at Littleton Adventist Hospital in Denver), but most of it is our complete faith in the power of the Priesthood and knowing the Lord is in charge. We both KNOW that Cathi will recover, although we may have a rough road ahead of us. Thanks for your continued faith, and prayers in our behalf. The kids, Cathi and I are all very positive and doing great (and Cathi is sleeping at night) as a result! If there is any other significant change or development, I’ll send out another email.

Jerry


2/25/2011

Many of you have asked what you can do to help Cathi. Cathi’s surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday at 10am. She will be staying only one night and coming home on Thursday. Our family will be fasting and praying for her once again this Sunday and invite you to join us if, you can. Thank you so much for your prayers and faith to this point. We’re doing great!

Jerry


Hi Family & Friends,

I spoke to the surgeon and was happy to hear that the surgery went very well. No bleeding or intubation problems like what we experienced with the last surgeries in Houston. Although the pathology report will not be available until Friday or (likely) Monday, the surgeon stated that the two lymph nodes she removed did test positive for cancer. So she removed several more and said we will need to wait to hear the actual stage of cancer in a few days. Cathi and I have discussed this possibility and already had made a decision for her to go through chemotherapy, regardless if cancer was discovered in her lymph nodes or not…so we move onto our next step! I’ll send more information out as I learn anything significant. Thanks again for all your love, faith and prayers…keep them coming!

Many of you have asked if we’ve shared this information with our son Andrew, who is serving his mission in the Dominican Republic. We have not. We need to discuss this more and seek inspiration on the timing. He wrote me today and he is, without doubt, enjoying the best part of his mission so far. He even stated, “I love you guys and miss home, but if I had the opportunity to come home now, I would turn it down.” So if any of you are writing to Andrew at this time, please keep in mind that, at least for now, he has no knowledge of this challenge in our family.

We love you all and are SO grateful for all the wonderful support we feel. Cathi was just wheeled into the room and I told her about the cancer in her lymph nodes. SHE comforted ME by not acting surprised and being her practical self saying, “we’ll just move forward.” So, for those of you feeling any drama in all of this, don’t. We are just being blessed with an opportunity to put in practice the faith we’ve proclaimed all of our lives...and being so blessed by our increased connection with YOU.

Jerry