I brought Cathi home from the hospital Thursday morning following her surgery on Wednesday. I instantly found myself in the role of male nurse! I'm slowly getting used to emptying her drains (something you might see on a really grotesque alien movie). We held the "unveiling" yesterday, just before she took her first warm shower. It was a little shocking, but not as much as we thought it would be. Cathi was a little nauseated and needed to sit down half way through the process. We celebrated this as another milestone and now realize that we will need to continue doing this often, because this is going to be a very long journey.
Cathi is still very tired and doesn't like to talk too much because of her raw throat (caused by intubation during her surgery). However, I think by Monday, she will be communicating a little more with all of you. She is SO appreciative of all the gifts, food, prayers, and messages of love and support we are receiving.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Miracle #4
At 2am Friday morning, I got up to empty Cathi's drains. As I was doing so, I thought to myself, "You know, this is really sick. And these things are attached to my wife. And soon she probably won't have any hair and will be battling fatigue and nausea periodically." I tried to sleep afterward but couldn't. So I went down to my office in our basement and stayed awake the rest of the night. For the first time since learning Cathi has cancer, I let myself really ponder what lies ahead of us, including Cathi's suffering through chemo therapy. Then I started to zero in on all of my inadequacies and how unprepared I am to deal with this challenge. By the time the sun started coming up, I got the kids together, read scriptures, said our morning family prayer, then took Leah to seminary (youth bible study)in silence. Someone at church asked, "How's Cathi doing?" I wanted to yell, "How do you think she's doing?" but gave a simple explanation and got back in the car. I began to cry and became SO angry. Why does Cathi need to suffer like this? It isn't fair that I'll have to watch her do this and watch the kids suffer. How will I be able to compensate when Cathi isn't able to give the kind of attention the kids are used to? Could I lose her? How would I ever be able to deal with this??
Needless to say, I went to a very dark place that was difficult to get out of. Even worse, I felt like there was no one I could turn to. Up to this point, I have been strong for everyone around me...and genuinely felt this way. I've been told a few times that I should always be strong for the family, especially for Cathi...so I knew I could never turn to the one person who knew me best, the one who knows all my weaknesses and yet loves me more than anyone else. I was alone.
Finally, after some prayer and pondering, I decided I needed to release my pent-up anger, fear, and discouragement to my best friend. I went into our bedroom, looked into the face of the woman who had just struggled through her own night of drama...and could do nothing else but hold her and cry. For about an hour, we talked about things we have been afraid to talk about. We held nothing back. Slowly, as we ended our talk and began to say a prayer, our hope, faith, and even joy were restored. I walked out of the room feeling stronger, more determined...and a little bit wiser...my fourth small miracle. Of course she can continue seeing me when I'm not my best. She knows me well enough to know I am not perfect but I am resilient and I will lead this family through our current crisis. I realized that every once-in-a-while, I will need nurturing too, and so will our kids and others around us who are sad about this trial. And that is okay.
Needless to say, I went to a very dark place that was difficult to get out of. Even worse, I felt like there was no one I could turn to. Up to this point, I have been strong for everyone around me...and genuinely felt this way. I've been told a few times that I should always be strong for the family, especially for Cathi...so I knew I could never turn to the one person who knew me best, the one who knows all my weaknesses and yet loves me more than anyone else. I was alone.
Finally, after some prayer and pondering, I decided I needed to release my pent-up anger, fear, and discouragement to my best friend. I went into our bedroom, looked into the face of the woman who had just struggled through her own night of drama...and could do nothing else but hold her and cry. For about an hour, we talked about things we have been afraid to talk about. We held nothing back. Slowly, as we ended our talk and began to say a prayer, our hope, faith, and even joy were restored. I walked out of the room feeling stronger, more determined...and a little bit wiser...my fourth small miracle. Of course she can continue seeing me when I'm not my best. She knows me well enough to know I am not perfect but I am resilient and I will lead this family through our current crisis. I realized that every once-in-a-while, I will need nurturing too, and so will our kids and others around us who are sad about this trial. And that is okay.
Miracles #1, #2, #3
I began publishing "Small Miracles" on Facebook as positive therapy for myself to keep me focused on the positive aspects of this cancer experience. I also hope some of these might strike a cord of familiarity with you as you struggle through your own challenges and seek strength beyond your own to deal with the trials you experience. Here are the first three writings...
SMALL MIRACLE #1
2/23/2011
Last Tuesday evening, after learning that Cathi has cancer, I felt great desire to kick in and "get our family through this." I was so happy when Cathi asked me to run an errand for her...something I could easily do to reduce her burden...and make myself feel useful. After spending one hour of looking in the same places for my wallet, frustration turned to discouragement and I found myself sitting in the garage, in the dark, considering the possibility, "Maybe I won't be able to handle this." I spoke into the darkness saying, "I know Thou can help me find this dumb wallet. I know I need to have faith." Just then, I felt a spark of hope inside me and heard someone move in our bedroom above the garage. I instantly knew, somehow, with no doubt, that Cathi had found my wallet. Above the garage, Cathi had just finished saying her first prayer after learning of her cancer. She felt prompted to focus on all of her blessings, then at the end, she added a footnote asking for help to find "Jerry's wallet." She opened her eyes and there, in the crack of the chair she was leaning against, was my wallet. When the garage door opened and I saw her beautiful smile and her hand extending the wallet toward me, I knew this was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Jerry, just trust me. You can do this."
SMALL MIRACLE #2
2/24/2011
Sunday evening, we decided to make brownies and take to our bishop's family. Cathi asked our bishop and me for a Priesthood blessing. Since that blessing and some inspired counsel from our bishop, we have felt a very strong sense of peace and confidence that we can get through this challenge with cancer (like so many others have). Here's the irony...we learned on Monday that Cathi's tumor is bigger than we first thought and that she has more than one aggressive tumor. However, as we left the surgeon's office that morning, having made the decision for a bilateral mastectomy (scheduled for this Wednesday), we felt an INCREASE of confidence and even joy...and actually went out for breakfast to celebrate these feelings! THAT cannot be explained in worldly terms.
Just more evidence to us that someone far greater is in charge...
SMALL MIRACLE #3
3/3/2011
I heard myself telling a friend yesterday something I learned about the irony of faith. When the surgeon came out after operating on Cathi and told me that the cancer was not contained but spreading into her lymph nodes, I felt like someone had slugged me in the stomach. I immediately heard a familiar dark voice saying, “you thought you were exercising faith, but really, you are SO naïve.” I didn’t allow the voice to linger however, and was soon taught something very important. Faith is believing with all your heart that the Lord will cause something to change…and at the same time, being willing to readjust your thinking and continue to move forward with a new, fresh hope if the change doesn’t occur the way you want it to. The children of Israel were required to exercise faith that they would have manna to eat the following day without giving into their urge to gather more than they needed for the present (every day for 40 years). The family of Jared were required to NOT ever regret climbing into their barges each of the 344 days they were being “encompassed about by many waters.” Early handcart pioneers were asked to sing the songs of Zion as they buried their loved ones in the snow and kept walking with burdens they hadn’t bargained for rather than choosing to bury themselves in nagging doubt and bitterness. I’m learning that true faith will require the test of time, the test of humility, and the test of real and enduring trust in God. For me, this little discovery is a small miracle.
SMALL MIRACLE #1
2/23/2011
Last Tuesday evening, after learning that Cathi has cancer, I felt great desire to kick in and "get our family through this." I was so happy when Cathi asked me to run an errand for her...something I could easily do to reduce her burden...and make myself feel useful. After spending one hour of looking in the same places for my wallet, frustration turned to discouragement and I found myself sitting in the garage, in the dark, considering the possibility, "Maybe I won't be able to handle this." I spoke into the darkness saying, "I know Thou can help me find this dumb wallet. I know I need to have faith." Just then, I felt a spark of hope inside me and heard someone move in our bedroom above the garage. I instantly knew, somehow, with no doubt, that Cathi had found my wallet. Above the garage, Cathi had just finished saying her first prayer after learning of her cancer. She felt prompted to focus on all of her blessings, then at the end, she added a footnote asking for help to find "Jerry's wallet." She opened her eyes and there, in the crack of the chair she was leaning against, was my wallet. When the garage door opened and I saw her beautiful smile and her hand extending the wallet toward me, I knew this was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Jerry, just trust me. You can do this."
SMALL MIRACLE #2
2/24/2011
Sunday evening, we decided to make brownies and take to our bishop's family. Cathi asked our bishop and me for a Priesthood blessing. Since that blessing and some inspired counsel from our bishop, we have felt a very strong sense of peace and confidence that we can get through this challenge with cancer (like so many others have). Here's the irony...we learned on Monday that Cathi's tumor is bigger than we first thought and that she has more than one aggressive tumor. However, as we left the surgeon's office that morning, having made the decision for a bilateral mastectomy (scheduled for this Wednesday), we felt an INCREASE of confidence and even joy...and actually went out for breakfast to celebrate these feelings! THAT cannot be explained in worldly terms.
Just more evidence to us that someone far greater is in charge...
SMALL MIRACLE #3
3/3/2011
I heard myself telling a friend yesterday something I learned about the irony of faith. When the surgeon came out after operating on Cathi and told me that the cancer was not contained but spreading into her lymph nodes, I felt like someone had slugged me in the stomach. I immediately heard a familiar dark voice saying, “you thought you were exercising faith, but really, you are SO naïve.” I didn’t allow the voice to linger however, and was soon taught something very important. Faith is believing with all your heart that the Lord will cause something to change…and at the same time, being willing to readjust your thinking and continue to move forward with a new, fresh hope if the change doesn’t occur the way you want it to. The children of Israel were required to exercise faith that they would have manna to eat the following day without giving into their urge to gather more than they needed for the present (every day for 40 years). The family of Jared were required to NOT ever regret climbing into their barges each of the 344 days they were being “encompassed about by many waters.” Early handcart pioneers were asked to sing the songs of Zion as they buried their loved ones in the snow and kept walking with burdens they hadn’t bargained for rather than choosing to bury themselves in nagging doubt and bitterness. I’m learning that true faith will require the test of time, the test of humility, and the test of real and enduring trust in God. For me, this little discovery is a small miracle.
Cathi (Initial) Updates
2/12/2011
Hi Family & Friends,
I convinced Cathi to allow me to send this brief message to you. On Monday, Cathi had some testing done and we were told that she has a lump in her breast that is not a cyst and will require a biopsy and ultrasound this coming Monday. We should know the results on Tuesday. It’s been a rough week for Cathi with me being out of town and her alone with her thoughts. We plan to fast tomorrow (Sunday) and invite you to join your prayers with ours to ask that Cathi will be spared having cancer and if not, that our family will be strong through whatever lies ahead. We know there are many of you that are going through difficult challenges and have been great examples for us. We also know that the Lord is in control and find great peace in this knowledge.
I’ll send another message out on Tuesday to let you know what we find out.
2/15/2011
Jerry
Hi Family & Friends,
Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and faith. We have felt such an outpouring of love and concern from you and can’t begin to express how much peace and comfort this has brought our family. In addition to this support from you, both Cathi and I have felt an almost tangible peace and confidence since Sunday. It was a day full of meetings, callings, and business; but when we woke up on Monday, we woke up with light hearts and a sense of humor. It has continued to be a literal message from the Lord to us that He is in charge. We have known since Monday morning that if Cathi has cancer, it is exactly what the Lord wants us to pass through…no doubts.
Both biopsies confirm that Cathi has invasive ductile carcinoma cancer in her right breast with a grade rating of “high”. The doctor said this rating is much more common in younger women and that we shouldn’t let it make us more concerned. It is NOT indicative of the “stage” of cancer which will not be known until Cathi has surgery. From the tests done so far, it does not appear that the cancer has moved into the lymph nodes…for which we are very grateful. Our next steps are to schedule a breast MRI (which we will try to do in the next 1-2 days) and then to meet with a surgeon. I will be doing a lot of research so Cathi doesn’t have to wade through much on her own. I’m open to any valid information any of you have that you think might be helpful.
In Ether 6, we are told that the family of Jared stood on the shores of a vast ocean before crawling into some new-fangled barges but they “commended themselves unto the Lord.” We are smelling the unfamiliar sea salt and feeling the cold water lap at our feet as we begin this new journey, but know that we will never be without light and that nothing can break us as the waters encompass us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, the power that comes from this is real. We love you and are so grateful we are all family with a loving Father and Savior guiding our every move.
Jerry
2/22/2011
Hi Everyone,
Just a quick update on Cathi’s medical situation. We met with the surgeon and got the MRI results yesterday morning. We are 95% certain her surgery will be scheduled for Wednesday, March 2nd in the morning.
Cathi's tumor is actually 4.5cm (not 3cm like we thought). She also has another invasive high grade tumor about 2cm away from this one. In the other breast there is a small mass that appears to be cancer but they can't know without another biopsy. Still NO evidence the cancer is in her lymph nodes. We already had made the decision to surgically reduce ALL chances of further breast cancer if any slight sign of cancer showed up in her left breast. Chemo will only be needed if any cancer cells show up in her lymph nodes (which will be examined right after the surgery).
The most important thing you need to know is that since she received a blessing Sunday night that she would "fully recover," we have felt incredible peace of mind. Receiving more negative news yesterday has NOT phased us...rather, we left the surgeon's office lighter than we've felt in many days. Part of it was just getting knowledge and eliminating the mystery, part of it is complete trust in this surgeon (who heads the surgical staff at Littleton Adventist Hospital in Denver), but most of it is our complete faith in the power of the Priesthood and knowing the Lord is in charge. We both KNOW that Cathi will recover, although we may have a rough road ahead of us. Thanks for your continued faith, and prayers in our behalf. The kids, Cathi and I are all very positive and doing great (and Cathi is sleeping at night) as a result! If there is any other significant change or development, I’ll send out another email.
Jerry
2/25/2011
Many of you have asked what you can do to help Cathi. Cathi’s surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday at 10am. She will be staying only one night and coming home on Thursday. Our family will be fasting and praying for her once again this Sunday and invite you to join us if, you can. Thank you so much for your prayers and faith to this point. We’re doing great!
Jerry
Hi Family & Friends,
I spoke to the surgeon and was happy to hear that the surgery went very well. No bleeding or intubation problems like what we experienced with the last surgeries in Houston. Although the pathology report will not be available until Friday or (likely) Monday, the surgeon stated that the two lymph nodes she removed did test positive for cancer. So she removed several more and said we will need to wait to hear the actual stage of cancer in a few days. Cathi and I have discussed this possibility and already had made a decision for her to go through chemotherapy, regardless if cancer was discovered in her lymph nodes or not…so we move onto our next step! I’ll send more information out as I learn anything significant. Thanks again for all your love, faith and prayers…keep them coming!
Many of you have asked if we’ve shared this information with our son Andrew, who is serving his mission in the Dominican Republic. We have not. We need to discuss this more and seek inspiration on the timing. He wrote me today and he is, without doubt, enjoying the best part of his mission so far. He even stated, “I love you guys and miss home, but if I had the opportunity to come home now, I would turn it down.” So if any of you are writing to Andrew at this time, please keep in mind that, at least for now, he has no knowledge of this challenge in our family.
We love you all and are SO grateful for all the wonderful support we feel. Cathi was just wheeled into the room and I told her about the cancer in her lymph nodes. SHE comforted ME by not acting surprised and being her practical self saying, “we’ll just move forward.” So, for those of you feeling any drama in all of this, don’t. We are just being blessed with an opportunity to put in practice the faith we’ve proclaimed all of our lives...and being so blessed by our increased connection with YOU.
Jerry
Hi Family & Friends,
I convinced Cathi to allow me to send this brief message to you. On Monday, Cathi had some testing done and we were told that she has a lump in her breast that is not a cyst and will require a biopsy and ultrasound this coming Monday. We should know the results on Tuesday. It’s been a rough week for Cathi with me being out of town and her alone with her thoughts. We plan to fast tomorrow (Sunday) and invite you to join your prayers with ours to ask that Cathi will be spared having cancer and if not, that our family will be strong through whatever lies ahead. We know there are many of you that are going through difficult challenges and have been great examples for us. We also know that the Lord is in control and find great peace in this knowledge.
I’ll send another message out on Tuesday to let you know what we find out.
2/15/2011
Jerry
Hi Family & Friends,
Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers and faith. We have felt such an outpouring of love and concern from you and can’t begin to express how much peace and comfort this has brought our family. In addition to this support from you, both Cathi and I have felt an almost tangible peace and confidence since Sunday. It was a day full of meetings, callings, and business; but when we woke up on Monday, we woke up with light hearts and a sense of humor. It has continued to be a literal message from the Lord to us that He is in charge. We have known since Monday morning that if Cathi has cancer, it is exactly what the Lord wants us to pass through…no doubts.
Both biopsies confirm that Cathi has invasive ductile carcinoma cancer in her right breast with a grade rating of “high”. The doctor said this rating is much more common in younger women and that we shouldn’t let it make us more concerned. It is NOT indicative of the “stage” of cancer which will not be known until Cathi has surgery. From the tests done so far, it does not appear that the cancer has moved into the lymph nodes…for which we are very grateful. Our next steps are to schedule a breast MRI (which we will try to do in the next 1-2 days) and then to meet with a surgeon. I will be doing a lot of research so Cathi doesn’t have to wade through much on her own. I’m open to any valid information any of you have that you think might be helpful.
In Ether 6, we are told that the family of Jared stood on the shores of a vast ocean before crawling into some new-fangled barges but they “commended themselves unto the Lord.” We are smelling the unfamiliar sea salt and feeling the cold water lap at our feet as we begin this new journey, but know that we will never be without light and that nothing can break us as the waters encompass us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, the power that comes from this is real. We love you and are so grateful we are all family with a loving Father and Savior guiding our every move.
Jerry
2/22/2011
Hi Everyone,
Just a quick update on Cathi’s medical situation. We met with the surgeon and got the MRI results yesterday morning. We are 95% certain her surgery will be scheduled for Wednesday, March 2nd in the morning.
Cathi's tumor is actually 4.5cm (not 3cm like we thought). She also has another invasive high grade tumor about 2cm away from this one. In the other breast there is a small mass that appears to be cancer but they can't know without another biopsy. Still NO evidence the cancer is in her lymph nodes. We already had made the decision to surgically reduce ALL chances of further breast cancer if any slight sign of cancer showed up in her left breast. Chemo will only be needed if any cancer cells show up in her lymph nodes (which will be examined right after the surgery).
The most important thing you need to know is that since she received a blessing Sunday night that she would "fully recover," we have felt incredible peace of mind. Receiving more negative news yesterday has NOT phased us...rather, we left the surgeon's office lighter than we've felt in many days. Part of it was just getting knowledge and eliminating the mystery, part of it is complete trust in this surgeon (who heads the surgical staff at Littleton Adventist Hospital in Denver), but most of it is our complete faith in the power of the Priesthood and knowing the Lord is in charge. We both KNOW that Cathi will recover, although we may have a rough road ahead of us. Thanks for your continued faith, and prayers in our behalf. The kids, Cathi and I are all very positive and doing great (and Cathi is sleeping at night) as a result! If there is any other significant change or development, I’ll send out another email.
Jerry
2/25/2011
Many of you have asked what you can do to help Cathi. Cathi’s surgery is scheduled for this Wednesday at 10am. She will be staying only one night and coming home on Thursday. Our family will be fasting and praying for her once again this Sunday and invite you to join us if, you can. Thank you so much for your prayers and faith to this point. We’re doing great!
Jerry
Hi Family & Friends,
I spoke to the surgeon and was happy to hear that the surgery went very well. No bleeding or intubation problems like what we experienced with the last surgeries in Houston. Although the pathology report will not be available until Friday or (likely) Monday, the surgeon stated that the two lymph nodes she removed did test positive for cancer. So she removed several more and said we will need to wait to hear the actual stage of cancer in a few days. Cathi and I have discussed this possibility and already had made a decision for her to go through chemotherapy, regardless if cancer was discovered in her lymph nodes or not…so we move onto our next step! I’ll send more information out as I learn anything significant. Thanks again for all your love, faith and prayers…keep them coming!
Many of you have asked if we’ve shared this information with our son Andrew, who is serving his mission in the Dominican Republic. We have not. We need to discuss this more and seek inspiration on the timing. He wrote me today and he is, without doubt, enjoying the best part of his mission so far. He even stated, “I love you guys and miss home, but if I had the opportunity to come home now, I would turn it down.” So if any of you are writing to Andrew at this time, please keep in mind that, at least for now, he has no knowledge of this challenge in our family.
We love you all and are SO grateful for all the wonderful support we feel. Cathi was just wheeled into the room and I told her about the cancer in her lymph nodes. SHE comforted ME by not acting surprised and being her practical self saying, “we’ll just move forward.” So, for those of you feeling any drama in all of this, don’t. We are just being blessed with an opportunity to put in practice the faith we’ve proclaimed all of our lives...and being so blessed by our increased connection with YOU.
Jerry
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