At 2am Friday morning, I got up to empty Cathi's drains. As I was doing so, I thought to myself, "You know, this is really sick. And these things are attached to my wife. And soon she probably won't have any hair and will be battling fatigue and nausea periodically." I tried to sleep afterward but couldn't. So I went down to my office in our basement and stayed awake the rest of the night. For the first time since learning Cathi has cancer, I let myself really ponder what lies ahead of us, including Cathi's suffering through chemo therapy. Then I started to zero in on all of my inadequacies and how unprepared I am to deal with this challenge. By the time the sun started coming up, I got the kids together, read scriptures, said our morning family prayer, then took Leah to seminary (youth bible study)in silence. Someone at church asked, "How's Cathi doing?" I wanted to yell, "How do you think she's doing?" but gave a simple explanation and got back in the car. I began to cry and became SO angry. Why does Cathi need to suffer like this? It isn't fair that I'll have to watch her do this and watch the kids suffer. How will I be able to compensate when Cathi isn't able to give the kind of attention the kids are used to? Could I lose her? How would I ever be able to deal with this??
Needless to say, I went to a very dark place that was difficult to get out of. Even worse, I felt like there was no one I could turn to. Up to this point, I have been strong for everyone around me...and genuinely felt this way. I've been told a few times that I should always be strong for the family, especially for Cathi...so I knew I could never turn to the one person who knew me best, the one who knows all my weaknesses and yet loves me more than anyone else. I was alone.
Finally, after some prayer and pondering, I decided I needed to release my pent-up anger, fear, and discouragement to my best friend. I went into our bedroom, looked into the face of the woman who had just struggled through her own night of drama...and could do nothing else but hold her and cry. For about an hour, we talked about things we have been afraid to talk about. We held nothing back. Slowly, as we ended our talk and began to say a prayer, our hope, faith, and even joy were restored. I walked out of the room feeling stronger, more determined...and a little bit wiser...my fourth small miracle. Of course she can continue seeing me when I'm not my best. She knows me well enough to know I am not perfect but I am resilient and I will lead this family through our current crisis. I realized that every once-in-a-while, I will need nurturing too, and so will our kids and others around us who are sad about this trial. And that is okay.
In the Book of Mormon, there is a record of a family who traveled from the Tower of Babel to the American continent. The family of Jared soon received their first glimpse of a vast, stormy ocean, having been required of the Lord to crawl into some mysterious air-tight vessels they were promised would carry them safely to a better place. As they gazed into the deep, moving water, they breathed the unfamiliar sea salt and felt the ice cold water lap at their feet. "What will become of our family?" "Can we do this thing that God requires of us?"
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
I appreciate your honesty, and I'm sure Cathi does too. I know when I am suffering my husband tries extra hard to keep it together, but sometimes I just need him to admit it's hard on him too. Thanks for being willing to share.
ReplyDeleteJerry I am glad that you were able to share your feelings with Cathi. Best friends should be able to share everything, the good and the bad. I truly admire your family's faith and appreciate you sharing that faith with us through this most difficult journey. Know you are loved by many.
ReplyDeleteJerry thanks for the blog. I wish you, Cathi, the Kids all the strength and many miracles in this journey. Pass my love to your family.
ReplyDeleteCarol Munyua
Jerry, I am so glad you were able to share your fear and sadness and anger with Cathi. Years ago, Eric and I suffered the loss of three babies in a row. It was a devastating time for us. I was always crying and angry and bitter. Eric was cool as a cucumber. Several years later, I expressed my bitterness toward him about how he seemed so unaffected by the losses. He finally was able to break down and it was then that I learned that he had been keeping everything bottled up inside because he felt he needed to be the "strong" one. Strength only really comes by acknowledgment that you have none on your own, but together.
ReplyDeleteMarla Schmitt