A couple of weeks ago, our family had a great Saturday together. Leah and I went shopping for our Easter dinner and it felt good to do a big, organized grocery shopping expedition. We all colored boiled eggs together, made cookies together, and had an all-around enjoyable Saturday. But by the end of the day, I was feeling plenty tired and sore and just ready for bed. Jerry, the kids, and I gathered in our bedroom for family prayer, something we do each morning and evening. Jerry called on Emma to prayer and I thought he said “Mama,” so I started praying. Of course the kids exploded with the giggles.
For some reason that night, I didn't find my hearing loss to be funny. Instead, it just made me angry and embarrassed, and soon I was in tears. The kids felt terrible and quickly left our room, probably wondering if their mom was cracking up. I was left feeling very sorry for myself. It didn't seem fair that I have to struggle with hearing loss, on top of everything else. These $4000 hearing aids that I wear are great in many ways, but they still don't give me crystal-clear hearing. Therefore, I still misunderstand things or miss them completely, and it embarrasses me--even in front of my own family sometimes! Oh, poor me!
A couple of minutes later--still with tears in my eyes--I went to retrieve a pillow from behind a chair in our bedroom. I reached with my right arm (not so strong, since having nineteen lymph nodes removed a couple of months ago), and I lost my balance, nearly toppling over. Jerry walked in during all of that, and then I DID get embarrassed. By this time, I was an angry, awkward, sad, sobbing, feel-sorry-for-myself mess!
Jerry (otherwise known as Dr. Jerry or Nurse Jerry) sat down with me and told me that he could tell that the adversary was having a heyday with me, causing me to dwell in self-pity rather than reality. I knew he was right, and I appreciated his counsel, yet I was still so tired, mad and sad that I didn't really want to talk about it. I just needed some sleep.
Well, the next morning turned out to be a cold, overcast Easter Sunday, yet it was still a beautiful day. (I love cloudy days!) I woke up with a clear mind and a heart full of gratitude, forgetting the woes of the night before. Yes, I still have a hearing loss, but so do many others in this world. In fact, many cannot hear at all. Yes, I still am struggling with the challenges of cancer and its treatment, but so are many others. Truly, every single person in the human race is struggling with a variety of challenges; it's just part of mortality. Our Savior is aware of every single challenge--big and small--that we go through, and He is there to help us through these trials, every step of the way. He knows what we're experiencing because he has already atoned for us, and His perfect love will see us through! Focusing on those truths changed my dark perspective from the night before to one of light and joy.
What a great Easter day I had and how grateful I was that my little "pity party" of the previous night had ended. My mind and heart had changed from a "poor me" attitude to an "attitude of gratitude," and that's where I want to stay.
In the Book of Mormon, there is a record of a family who traveled from the Tower of Babel to the American continent. The family of Jared soon received their first glimpse of a vast, stormy ocean, having been required of the Lord to crawl into some mysterious air-tight vessels they were promised would carry them safely to a better place. As they gazed into the deep, moving water, they breathed the unfamiliar sea salt and felt the ice cold water lap at their feet. "What will become of our family?" "Can we do this thing that God requires of us?"
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
