I brought my laptop to the hospital to get some work done while waiting for Cathi's surgery to be finished. She’s been in the operating room for thirty minutes and I’m finding my mind wandering to the deeper principles of life rather than concentrating on work. Before her surgery, I watched Cathi sign a few papers, one for the surgeon and one for the anesthesiologist. It reminded me of a few months ago when I signed some waivers enabling me to face my fear and jump from an airplane at 12,000 feet. Both of us hesitant but determined to push on.
Yesterday morning, I began a slow, subtle descent down the path of logic. I began my morning prayers asking the Lord to help me to know what I should have faith in. Should I have the faith to know that “we can lick this” and have no doubt the Lord will agree with our desires…or should I have the faith to completely turn this over to the Lord and refuse to give into fear or discouragement? Which faith is stronger? Which faith is needed for me to lead my family?
Cathi can always tell when I’m struggling with something. So on our way to visit with the surgeon yesterday, I felt compelled to share my conflict with her. She became quiet and the mood became solemn. Finally, her reply to me was that I should have faith in both. She looked at me and said with resolution, “Jerry, I am going to fight this cancer with everything I have…my physical self, my mental self, and my spiritual self. And I will continue to have faith that I will fully recover from this.” What she was really saying was, “Jerry, I need you to be with me on this…I need you to have child-like faith that the Lord will bless us with this righteous desire and leave your rational thinking to the side.”
It was then that I realized that I had given into deception from the adversary. Although I started the morning with an innocent, selfless question, I had slowly turned my focus inward and gradually moved toward a world of “drama.” With Cathi’s response, it dawned on me that I was no longer feeling light but darkness. As a father, I’ve always used light and darkness to teach my kids how they can discern if the direction they are going is the right one. I was going the wrong direction and Cathi knew it. Ironically, Cathi was on this path just a few days earlier when she opened the door to my office, tear-stained face, asking if we could talk. In both cases, the Lord blessed us to help each other gain a perspective based on truth. In both cases, we backed off a dark path and experienced an increase of joy, peace, and determination. Truth is not based on man’s reasoning and is often illogical. Truth doesn’t change, science constantly changes. I was becoming more confused and discouraged and forgot something I already knew....truth sets us free and gives us power.
A good example of truth is found in humor. Last night we went out to dinner because we just needed to get out as a family. As we came out of the restaurant, the Denver area was experiencing 45 mile per hour winds. We could hardly stop laughing as we climbed into our van, vividly picturing a wig blowing off the head of our future bald Mom…and her running after it in her ever-so-athletic way…
This morning, both Cathi and I commented to the nurses that we had never been treated with so much kindness and wonderful service at any other hospital. After Cathi signed her papers, the anesthesiologist walked toward Cathi’s side just as the nurse was saying to me, “You can kiss her now and say goodbye.” Cathi had a look of horror on her face as she thought the nurse was speaking to the anesthesiologist! Once she realized the nurse was talking to me, we all started hooting and Cathi, practically crying from her laughter said, “this REALLY is a friendly hospital!”
I just got a call from the surgeon, who told me they did a thorough search inside the thoracic cavity and could NOT find any signs of cancer in Cathi's chest. Once again, another miracle. These past few days, since learning of the potential spreading of more cancer, we both felt ourselves being encompassed by darkness. Cathi had me married off to someone else who would be spoiling her grandchildren and I was going down a similar, dismal path. But the Lord has restored and even increased our light. It's almost like we've been given our future back. Cathi just told me she feels like doing the "Highland Fling." We know the next step of chemo therapy will not be an easy one nor will it be brief. But we feel so much stronger than we have since this challenge began. And once again, we've learned the Lord is in charge...and child-like faith is necessary for miracles to happen.
In the Book of Mormon, there is a record of a family who traveled from the Tower of Babel to the American continent. The family of Jared soon received their first glimpse of a vast, stormy ocean, having been required of the Lord to crawl into some mysterious air-tight vessels they were promised would carry them safely to a better place. As they gazed into the deep, moving water, they breathed the unfamiliar sea salt and felt the ice cold water lap at their feet. "What will become of our family?" "Can we do this thing that God requires of us?"
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
