I began publishing "Small Miracles" on Facebook as positive therapy for myself to keep me focused on the positive aspects of this cancer experience. I also hope some of these might strike a cord of familiarity with you as you struggle through your own challenges and seek strength beyond your own to deal with the trials you experience. Here are the first three writings...
SMALL MIRACLE #1
2/23/2011
Last Tuesday evening, after learning that Cathi has cancer, I felt great desire to kick in and "get our family through this." I was so happy when Cathi asked me to run an errand for her...something I could easily do to reduce her burden...and make myself feel useful. After spending one hour of looking in the same places for my wallet, frustration turned to discouragement and I found myself sitting in the garage, in the dark, considering the possibility, "Maybe I won't be able to handle this." I spoke into the darkness saying, "I know Thou can help me find this dumb wallet. I know I need to have faith." Just then, I felt a spark of hope inside me and heard someone move in our bedroom above the garage. I instantly knew, somehow, with no doubt, that Cathi had found my wallet. Above the garage, Cathi had just finished saying her first prayer after learning of her cancer. She felt prompted to focus on all of her blessings, then at the end, she added a footnote asking for help to find "Jerry's wallet." She opened her eyes and there, in the crack of the chair she was leaning against, was my wallet. When the garage door opened and I saw her beautiful smile and her hand extending the wallet toward me, I knew this was Heavenly Father's way of saying, "Jerry, just trust me. You can do this."
SMALL MIRACLE #2
2/24/2011
Sunday evening, we decided to make brownies and take to our bishop's family. Cathi asked our bishop and me for a Priesthood blessing. Since that blessing and some inspired counsel from our bishop, we have felt a very strong sense of peace and confidence that we can get through this challenge with cancer (like so many others have). Here's the irony...we learned on Monday that Cathi's tumor is bigger than we first thought and that she has more than one aggressive tumor. However, as we left the surgeon's office that morning, having made the decision for a bilateral mastectomy (scheduled for this Wednesday), we felt an INCREASE of confidence and even joy...and actually went out for breakfast to celebrate these feelings! THAT cannot be explained in worldly terms.
Just more evidence to us that someone far greater is in charge...
SMALL MIRACLE #3
3/3/2011
I heard myself telling a friend yesterday something I learned about the irony of faith. When the surgeon came out after operating on Cathi and told me that the cancer was not contained but spreading into her lymph nodes, I felt like someone had slugged me in the stomach. I immediately heard a familiar dark voice saying, “you thought you were exercising faith, but really, you are SO naïve.” I didn’t allow the voice to linger however, and was soon taught something very important. Faith is believing with all your heart that the Lord will cause something to change…and at the same time, being willing to readjust your thinking and continue to move forward with a new, fresh hope if the change doesn’t occur the way you want it to. The children of Israel were required to exercise faith that they would have manna to eat the following day without giving into their urge to gather more than they needed for the present (every day for 40 years). The family of Jared were required to NOT ever regret climbing into their barges each of the 344 days they were being “encompassed about by many waters.” Early handcart pioneers were asked to sing the songs of Zion as they buried their loved ones in the snow and kept walking with burdens they hadn’t bargained for rather than choosing to bury themselves in nagging doubt and bitterness. I’m learning that true faith will require the test of time, the test of humility, and the test of real and enduring trust in God. For me, this little discovery is a small miracle.
In the Book of Mormon, there is a record of a family who traveled from the Tower of Babel to the American continent. The family of Jared soon received their first glimpse of a vast, stormy ocean, having been required of the Lord to crawl into some mysterious air-tight vessels they were promised would carry them safely to a better place. As they gazed into the deep, moving water, they breathed the unfamiliar sea salt and felt the ice cold water lap at their feet. "What will become of our family?" "Can we do this thing that God requires of us?"
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
These were the questions we asked as our family stood on the edge of a new journey in February 2011. Before Cathi was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer, we saw the waves of an unfamiliar storm brewing and felt the fear of anticipation. When the cancer was certain, our family was required to wade into the cold water, crawl into a mysterious vessel and trust the Lord would be in charge.
The family of Jared was given stones touched by the finger of the Lord that provided light inside their vessels "that they might not cross the great waters in darkness......and it came to pass that...(they) set forth into the sea, commending themselves unto the Lord their God. And it came to pass that the Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind. And it came to pass that they were many times buried in the depths of the sea, because of the mountain waves which broke upon them, and also the great and terrible tempests which were caused by the fierceness of the wind. And it came to pass that when they were buried in the deep there was no water that could hurt them, their vessels being tight like unto a dish, and also they were tight like unto the ark of Noah; therefore when they were encompassed about by many waters they did cry unto the Lord, and he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters. And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind. And they did sing praises unto the Lord; yea, the brother of Jared did sing praises unto the Lord, and he did thank and praise the Lord all the day long; and when the night came, they did not cease to praise the Lord. And thus they were driven forth; and no monster of the sea could break them, neither whale that could mar them; and they did have light continually, whether it was above the water or under the water." Read the rest: http://lds.org/scriptures/bofm/ether/6?lang=eng
This blog is the captain's log of our family's journey. It will serve to keep all of you updated on Cathi's condition but also be a place where I can express the lessons we are learning so that it might be a source of strength for others who are going through difficult challenges. We are certainly not unique in this regard. I hope to continue trusting in the light we have been given and to lead our family when we are encompassed by the dark ocean or tossed by its waves. We sincerely seek for your faith in asking the Lord to calm the water, give strength beyond our own and lead all of us of us to a better place.
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