More Milestones

On Friday, Cathi went to Sky Ridge Hospital where the port was removed from her chest. A port is a little plastic device that was embedded under Cathi's skin and connected to one of her major veins. It allowed the doctors and nurses to easily access her vein for blood tests and IV chemo treatments without having to poke her multiple times. This event was a great milestone for Cathi.

In a sense, the removal of this port was very similar to the excitement Matt Damon experienced at the beginning of his first Boerne Identity movie after his floating body was pulled from the ocean by a helpful fisherman. Although both Matt and Cathi had technology removed from under their skin, Cathi's port unfortunately DID NOT contain a bank account number for a vault in Zurich that contains a stack of fake ID, weapons of mass destruction and enough money for us to enjoy early retirement.

Cathi also began her five years of hormone therapy that should continue to decrease the risk of returning cancer. The doctor told her the side effects will likely include early menopause . . . something that won't be much fun, but definitely worth it if it gives her body more strength to fight off cancer. She will also grow a full beard within a few months and need to use my razor each morning. (Just kidding . . . to Cathi's relief, no facial hair expected with this treatment!)

Pictured below is my wonderful wife just after getting her port removed. One of the nurses congratulated her on these milestones and presented her with this large, well-deserved smiley face cookie.

Our Silver Wedding Anniversary

(Cathi surprised me this morning by writing this post as part of her gift to me on our anniversary...I also wrote a post about her...this coincidence was NOT planned!)

It was twenty-five years ago today--August 13, 1986--that Jerry and I were married in the Salt Lake LDS Temple. What a wonderful day, being surrounded by many loved ones and looking forward to our lives together! I couldn't imagine being happier than I was that day. Since then, as Jerry and I have lived quite a bit of life together, life has gotten better and better. We've added five wonderful children to our family--Sam, Andrew, Leah, Emma, and William--and we've learned and grown together as we've raised this family. (We're STILL in the process of learning, that's for sure.) We've lived in many places--Provo, UT; Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, PA; Boston, MA; Indianapolis and Bloomington, IN; Houston, TX; and now Castle Rock, CO. We've loved every part of the country that we've lived in and cherish every friend we've made along the way. And we've learned to know and love each other more every day.

As Jerry and I have gone through this cancer journey together during the past six months, I've learned even more about what kind of a guy I'm married to. He's not perfect, but I think he's pretty great. He's helped me through some rather rough times and has been there every step of the way for me. Here are just a few things I'm grateful for:

Jerry has let me know that his love for me is unconditional. I remember taking my bandages off a couple of days after my mastectomy. It was very frightening, both physically and emotionally. I remember getting a bit nauseated during the process and having to sit down for a minute, but we just took it slowly. When the bandages were totally removed and it was time to look in the mirror, it was a bit shocking, but Jerry's first words were, "We're going to be okay." He let me know that he loved me just as much as ever, even though my physical body had changed quite drastically. Now, I've been bald for months and I have just a fraction of my eyebrows (although my eyelashes are still there, for some reason) and my appearance drives me crazy. I'm so ready to grow hair back once again! But Jerry lets me know that I'm fine just as I am and that my baldness has never bothered him in the least. I think he truly means it.

Jerry has helped to make these crazy months of surgeries, recoveries, and the long process of chemo as normal as possible for our family. He's helped keep things clean, orderly, and comfortable, and that has meant a lot to a woman who is a bit of an order freak. He's made sure that the kids have had fun and have had normalcy in their lives, even when I haven't been able to do things with them or take them places. It's been a great blessing for me that our family life has stayed constant, even with this major health challenge.

Jerry has been a listening ear, more than he's ever needed to be in our entire marriage. He's listened, counseled when he's needed to, wiped away plenty of tears, and let me know that rough times don't last. He's helped me develop stronger faith, hope,and trust in the Lord. And oh yes, he's helped me laugh a lot. I can't imagine our marriage and family without lots of laughter. Jerry's quirky sense of humor is one of the main reasons I fell in love with him!

Jerry has let me know that he would do ANYTHING for me, and he has. For example, a couple of weeks ago, as I was going through the roughest few days of my last chemo round, I didn't feel so great. I had been trying to take very little anti-nausea medicine so that I'd avoid the jitters and blurry eyes that drove me crazy in the past. But because of this, my stomach didn't feel so great. I just didn't know what I wanted to eat. Finally, I realized that some KFC mashed potatoes sounded good. (I know, that sounds awfully bland.) Jerry didn't hesitate when I made my request, even though KFC is not at all close to our home. He told me that he'd gladly buy or make anything I wanted, any time of day or night. And I believe he would!

I could go on and on with my "gratitude list" regarding my good husband, but I'd better stop before he dies of embarrassment (or possibly gets a big head). I'm just very grateful for the blessing of having met my best friend in January of 1985, having married him in August of 1986, and having the privilege of spending my whole life with him.

I love you, Jerry! Happy 25th Anniversary!

Cathi

The Girl I Married

Twenty-five years ago today, I married my best friend. I really wasn't ready for such a big commitment, but who is? We walked out of the Salt Lake Temple as Mr. and Mrs. Van Leuven, both of us naive about the future but thankful we were sealed to each other forever.

Cathi and I in front of the Salt Lake Temple

It all started at Brigham Young University when I moved into a new basement apartment just north of the Cougar Stadium. A couple of cute girls caught my eye at church and I began dating one of them. Soon I was making frequent visits to her house to watch videos, eat dinner, and hang out. One Saturday night, while holding her hand, I became acquainted with another roommate I didn't know named Cathi Carroll. I was immediately drawn to her sense of humor and her traditional background and way of thinking. As my date fell asleep (still holding hands), Cathi and I talked and laughed well into the night and finally stopped shortly before we needed to get ready for our morning church meetings.

Cathi and I posed for a funny church ward directory while at BYU

Our friendship continued to grow. We began to spend more time together and confide in each other.  One night, Cathi told me she thought she would someday be an old maid teaching school somewhere down in Southern Utah. Although she poked fun at herself and said it with humor, I knew she really believed it and it made me feel sad. Cathi was an intelligent, witty, talented near college graduate who easily stepped into the background when others took center stage. She wore a lot of beige and a

This was a "Daddy Daughter Date;" Cathi is at the far right.

practical hairdo. She was raised by older parents in small, rural Heber UT where she grew up with much older siblings. As she grew into a young woman, she was keenly aware of the fact that she was a lot taller and larger than most girls her age. While other girls became involved in dancing, cheerleading, sports and boys, Cathi focused on her studies, accompanying just about every musical performance on the piano and working a part-time job nearly every night. Some of her best friends were the older ladies she worked with at Palace Drug on Main Street.

One night, I made a risky decision based on the fact that Cathi and I had built a strong mutual trust. I didn't want Cathi to live beneath her potential and felt a growing desire to help build her self-worth. To that end, I created a contract and presented it to her the following evening for her signature. The agreement made me her official "mentor" in helping her to become a new and improved woman. As part of the agreement, I gave Cathi a list of scary changes she needed to make such as diet, exercise, make up, hair style, etc. etc. Since I wasn't an expert in much of this, I pulled out photos of my old girl friends and suggested she look at them for ideas. Tacky, insensitive male, huh? I even went as far as banning all self-depreciating humor and encouraging her to serve a church mission (something that scared her to death). She signed.

This is the infamous contract

In time, Cathi made a pretty dramatic transformation. Not only did she lose a lot of weight and look more fashionable, her confidence grew in part from the positive comments she constantly received. My little contract got her started, but SHE took it from there with great discipline and willingness to take personal risks. As you can well imagine, I started to see her in a different light. This was no longer just my buddy who baked me brownies and listened to me go on and on about girls I wanted to date.

Here's Cathi in her new, daring dress trying to look like Linda Rondstadt on the cover of her album, "What's New?"

Cathi sitting on a couch in my bachelor's pad

I remember one night, in the beginning of all these changes, I took her to the Mormon Arts Ball on campus. I bought her a corsage and slapped on some cologne, really wanting to create a special night for her. We had a wonderful evening together (of course laughing most of the time). After bringing her home, we walked to her steps and I kissed her on the cheek. I remember feeling such a tender, protective feeling for this girl, my best friend. Within the next several months, I found myself falling romantically in love with the best kept secret in Provo.

Cathi's BYU graduation

Cathi graduated from BYU then received her call to the England Manchester Mission, a dream place for an English graduate. One evening, as we walked near the Provo Temple, I felt like I would burst. I knew for some time that I would ask Cathi to marry me but was very cautious...partly because I was scared to death and also because I could never hurt Cathi by showing any uncertainty about how I felt about her.

Cathi organizing books (imagine that)

I finally blurted out, "Cathi, can we get married when you return from your mission?" It was the first time I confirmed my feelings for her. Later, she told me she had felt a growing desire to be more than just friends with me but kept trying to convince herself this would never happen. We kissed and held hands for the first time. (I know, sick...) Within the next few days, upon the advice of several key people, including local church leaders, Cathi decided not to serve a mission and instead, marry me. (Yikes! Much sooner than I had planned on...)

I have congratulated myself a few times for rescuing Cathi from being an old maid in Southern Utah. However, soon after we married, it was quite evident that I would get much more out of this deal than she would. Cathi is responsible for anything about me over the years that is new and improved. She didn't do it with a silly contract but with years of consistent patience and faith in my ability to rise above my weaknesses. Her gift of humor has gotten us through more than one challenge. She has born our five children and some serious health challenges with great dignity. She has brought refinement into our home with her love of literature, music, and classic entertainment. Her world has not been one made of performance reviews, professional clothing, worldly recognition and bonuses...but one of stinky diapers, laundry, longing for adult conversation, worrying about teenagers, driving a van, and fixing dinner (even though she hates to cook). Cathi is the foundation that holds our fort together. She's obsessed with order and cleanliness...but mainly, she keeps a very cool head when there's a lot of drama going on. The greatest bargain I got when I married this unassuming, observant girl that never dated, was someone who can easily look past the superficial things in life and lock onto the things that are lasting.

Twenty-five years ago, I took my best friend away from her small hometown and showed her a life she never would have known. Over these past years together, she has led me to a better life and continues to give me hope that we will both someday know something far greater. And I still think she's the best kept secret in town!

Cathi with her dad on our wedding day

Cathi with her mom on our wedding day

Cathi and I on our wedding day

Cathi and I with my parents

Someday, Cathi and I want to achieve the love shown by some of the happy, old folks shown in this video...

The Power of PINK

(from Cathi)

I must admit that pink has never been my favorite color. From the time I was a little girl, I've always preferred blue. My mom often bought blue dresses for me to wear when I was an infant and a toddler, because people said that blue went so well with my blue eyes, my blonde hair, and my fair skin. I loved the color blue when I was very young, and I continue to love it. It's so peaceful and calming, and I enjoy just about every shade.

Pink has never been a favorite; I could take it or leave it. When our two daughters were little, I dressed them in pink occasionally, but I always thought it was more fun to be different, so I dressed them in yellow, lavender, blue, green, peach--almost anything but pink. Silly, huh?

Well, during the past several months, I'll admit that I have learned to love the color pink, especially anything that has to do with breast cancer awareness. When I see the pink breast cancer ribbon symbol, I make a mental and emotional connection. I'm grateful for that little symbol and for the color pink, and most of all, I'm grateful for the strides that are being made to prevent and treat breast cancer.

I'd like to share a few pink things that have been given to me during these past few months and what they've meant to me. I've been given many beautiful pink flowers, and I've loved those (along with every other flower that I've received), and I've also been given some extra-special pink gifts that have truly buoyed up my spirit. Here's a few pictures of pink gifts I received just in the past week...

On March 1, the night before my mastectomy, our family attended a church program for the teen-age girls in our ward (church congregation). It was a beautiful program, and I was glad that I could attend, even though I was filled with jitters and worries about my upcoming surgery. Well, after the program ended, I noticed that all of the girls and youth leaders were wearing pink bracelets. A friend had ordered enough bracelets for everyone, to support me in my journey through surgery, chemo, and all that was ahead of me. Wow! What a great feeling of support!

That same friend (plus another dear friend) gave me a big pink tote bag that night. Inside were some pink slippers, a book light (perfect for this reading addict), a pink Snuggie, and a card with wonderful words of encouragement. That sweet gift really gave me courage to face the next day's surgery.

Just two days later, as I came home from my surgery--feeling very nervous and overwhelmed and wishing that I could still be in the hospital for a bit more professional medical care--I was in for a wonderful surprise. A dear friend from church had come over the night before, and she and her two daughters, along with our two daughters, had decorated our home. There were pretty pink bows tied around our kitchen chairs, our living room chairs and lamps, and the kitchen light fixture. There was a "welcome home" sign and a candy bar poster (which makes me laugh even now, when I think of its silliness) and a huge basket full of goodies too numerous to name. My heart was truly made lighter by this incredible act of kindness.

Just a couple of days later, as I was feeling a bit down-in-the-dumps with my post-surgery woes, a box was dropped off at our home. But this was not just an ordinary box. It was a lovely shade of pale pink, covered with pictures of adorable little girls and the words "Girls just want to have fun!" Inside the box were all sorts of treasures--a pink journal, pink notecards, a pretty vase with a pink tassle, candy, and even pink hot chocolate mix in a darling pink tin. (And I'm a tin collector!) Once again, these pink gifts, given with such love and thoughtfulness, totally brightened my day and warmed my heart.

Nearly six weeks passed, and it was just about time to begin my first chemo treatment. I had already gone through a lot of difficult things, yet I still had to go through something as big as chemo, and I'll admit that I was scared to death. Most of it was just the "fear of the unknown," and the rest was just the thought of: "Am I strong enough to handle this for the next four-plus months?" To say that I was overwhelmed is an understatement.

Well, the Sunday before I had my first treatment, I was sitting in church, waiting for our services to begin. A friend came up to me, carrying the largest pink tote bag I've ever seen. It was absolutely bulging with goodies! This sweet friend, along with several other good friends from church, had put this wonderful "chemo bag" together for me, and it was given with a hug and best wishes. I was so touched by this incredibly kind and generous gift! I must admit that I was quite excited to see what was inside, and so were the kids. When church ended and we all went home, our first thought was to dump the bag and check out all the treasures. It was like a mini-Christmas. There was every kind of goodie imaginable--from a water bottle to a fancy compact mirror, notecards, pens, candy, mints, magazines, scarves, a hat, a coin purse, slipper socks, make-up bags, Baskin Robbins gift certificates, and more--almost all of it pink. Oh, and there was even a bright pink funky fluffy blanket. But best of all, every single item had a neat little note that went with it. (You can be sure that every single note is saved in my scrapbook.) Every one of those little gifts has been well-used and treasured during these past months of chemo.

I wish I could write about every other gift (pink or not) that I've received during these past few months. I've been given some beautiful pink jewelry, which means a great deal to me. I've been given a pretty pink towel, and even some socks with the breast cancer symbol on them. One dear friend, who was visiting from Utah, gave me a basket of goodies called "Cathi's Cancer Cit (Kit)" and it was both a useful and humorous gift--just what I needed at that time! Every gift has been much more than a tangible thing. Each one has been given with love and support, and they've given me courage, a brighter heart, and a feeling of power over this crazy disease.

Thanks and love to everyone! And by the way, this week I began my last round of chemo and received the following PINK certificate from the great folks that have taken care of me at the cancer center!!

My Tribute to Women

I am grateful for women!  I don't always understand them but I don't know what I would do without them.

Before flying to Los Angeles for work on Tuesday, I emailed a sister (we refer to each other as brother and sister in our church) asking if she would be so kind to check up on Cathi while I'm away.  After seeing my email, she immediately contacted Cathi, cheered her up and said she would drop off her grandkids at their house and fix dinner for our family.  Emma had a friend visiting from Texas this past week and Cathi was concerned she wouldn't have enough energy to entertain the girls.  Each night, I called Cathi and learned how women in our ward came to the rescue!  Tuesday, a sister took the girls all the way to Red Rocks and out to lunch.  She then took them home, turned around and took them to the Outlets Mall . . . then came back later to drive them home again.  Wednesday, another sister picked up the girls and took them hiking, bummed around the shops down town, then met Cathi for lunch.  Thursday, another sister gave up part of her day to take the girls shopping and out to lunch.  This same sister had William at her house for three days the prior week, just after Cathi received her treatment.  Many, many women have brought us meals, provided transportation and have brought thoughtful gifts to Cathi.  They have given their hearts to bless and strengthen our family and I love them for it!

I'm grateful for my mom.  I am 48 years old and still need to know Mom loves me and understands what I'm going through.  I remember once, when I was about 4 or 5, she held me on our front porch one evening as the sun was sliding behind the trees and mountains.  We heard the bark of two large black dogs that lived down the street, two of my biggest fears at the time.  The safe feeling of both her soft arms and soft words of comfort she spoke that night has followed me and given me strength to move through new challenges in my life.  I don't know if there is anything quite so powerful as the love of a mother.  (Yes, the picture above was taken at my wedding reception...I was fifteen!)

I was fortunate to grow up knowing both of my grandmothers.  After they were both gone and I had moved away, I missed being in their homes, smelling their cooking and eating their meals.  It wasn't until I drove past each of their homes (or area where the home used to be) that I realized it was my grandmothers that I actually missed.  After Grandmother Eldredge passed away, I watched my mom and her five sisters (that I adored as a kid)...Aunts Kaye, Linda, Sue, Sherla, and Julie . . . move into a new role as grandmothers to their own families.  Each wonderful, strong women who are passing their legacy to a new generation.

Of course there are my sisters . . . Valerie, Amber and Lauri.  I've been privileged to see a beautiful transformation in them through the years.   Each has grown from a girl I used to play GI Joe and Barbies with or used to tease relentlessly or listen to records and 8-track tapes with in my basement bedroom . . . to wives and caring mothers who serve and sacrifice for their own families.

Last but not least, the woman I know best.  I doubt you will ever find a more structured, organized, prepared person than Catherine Van Leuven.  Nobody alphabetizes their music CDs or places 8-10 sticky notes on the bathroom mirror with reminders of "things to accomplish" quite like Cathi.  Not many husbands come home from work, walk into the closet to change their clothes and realize that all of their shirts are hanging in order of sleeve length . . . again.  The greatest, most impossible challenge you could EVER give Cathi would be to take away all of her order, predictability and tidiness . . . and replace it with the mystery, worry and chaos of Cancer.  I will never forget the image of this broken woman as she handed me the phone after receiving word of her disease.  The world as she knew it, had suddenly disappeared.

Now, five months later,  I look at this tired, bald woman with a scratchy voice . . . still able to crack some pretty funny jokes and organize photo albums between napping . . . and I see someone who is determined to run the final lap of this race.  The same young married woman whose hair I had just fried with a "do-it-yourself" highlight kit that exclaimed, "Jerry, we are ADULTS now and need to take care of this ourselves" after I suggested we run to my hair stylist aunt at 11:00pm on a Saturday night to fix my mistake.  (The picture above was taken shortly after the hair-frying incident.)  The very same expectant mother who announced to me that once our first child was born, she would give up teaching and spend all her time being a mother.  The exact same mormon lady who sobbed next to me in the car just after accepting a call to be the leader of the women's church organization of our local Houston congregation . . . and then moved forward to give her greatest service.

I don't know what I would do without the strength of good women in my life.  Quiet courage and faith that doesn't get much fanfare.  Perception of things, insight into people that are way beyond my capacity.  A power not so much vying for worldly attention and advancement but something solid that begins way down deep and connects with the heart.

I almost included a clip of Willy Nelson and Julio Iglesias singing, "To All The Girls I've Loved Before" but it somehow didn't seem right. :)  Instead, I found the following clip that for me, captures the faith, courage, kindness and strength of many women that mean so much to me.  If you have 16 minutes, please watch it . . . it's well worth the time.  If you are not mormon, it will give you a pretty good portrayal of what LDS women are all about (although I am privileged to know good women like this everywhere, regardless of their beliefs).  If you are a mormon woman, it will remind you that you are part of one of the greatest forces for good in the world today. . . and this guy is one grateful recipient!

Chemo Days

(from Cathi)

It's hard to believe, but I just had my fifth round of chemo yesterday. One more to go! If I can just survive the side effects during the next few weeks (which will involve a lot of patience) I know I'll be a lot stronger when it's all over. Some days I'm just tired of being tired! But life moves forward, and I'm being blessed all along the way. This whole chemo experience has actually been positive in many ways, and I hope I never forget all the good things I'm learning. I'd like to share some thoughts and feelings about my chemo treatments today.

I have to admit that I actually LIKE chemo days. Is that weird or what? For me, it's kind of a goal thing, that I'm moving forward with a challenging process, but that process is helping me in the long run. (Granted, I don't like the side effects which follow the treatment, but those don't hit me hard until a couple of days later.) Every chemo day reminds me that I've survived the past three weeks and I'm getting closer to the end. It also reminds me that I'm tougher than I thought I was.

I must also admit that I love the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center. It is a great place! Months ago, when I walked past that building, I remember thinking, "Oh, how depressing. I hope I never have to go inside there someday." Well, here I am, and I've been inside the RMCC many times now, and I'm grateful for that place. It's filled with skilled, kind, compassionate people, and I'm grateful for every one of them. The office staff are wonderful and have great senses of humor. They're a fun bunch to joke around with, but they're also very good at what they do. The nurses in the lab and in the chemo (infusion) room are amazing! They are so kind and so caring, and they make me feel like the most important patient in the place. (But I know they treat everyone with that same respect.) They are smart and skilled, and I feel like I'm in good hands when they're helping me. That's a pretty nice feeling. My oncologist, Dr. Basche, is a very compassionate doctor, and I've grown to respect her more and more as the months have gone by. I've appreciated her knowledge and the way she's treated me since I first met her. Once again, I feel like I'm in good hands with her expertise.

Chemo days are long days, and I'm a bit worn out when I go home in the afternoons. But it's a good kind of tired, and I feel like I've accomplished something important. I arrive at the center, get my port accessed (which always scares me just a bit every time) and then get my blood taken from the port. Thank heavens for that weird but wonderful port! I also get my vital signs checked, just to make sure that I'm doing okay during all of this process. Then I meet with Dr. Basche, who examines me and talks with me about how I'm doing. She's been very positive about how I'm handling things and makes me feel energized and ready for the next go-round. After all of that, it's time to go to the infusion room.

During the infusion process, I'm filled with all sorts of "goodies." I get a bag full of anti-nausea meds and a steroid, to help me handle things well for the first day. Then I get the "red devil" drug, which comes in a big syringe, like the ones that vets use to inject farm animals. Seeing that bright red drug has to be seen to be believed, kind of like an intense Kool Aid. It's injected very gradually, and it takes about five minutes. Then I receive two bags full of my other two chemo drugs. It's a long process, being hooked up to an IV for several hours, but the time actually passes rather quickly.

The reason the time passes quickly is because I've been blessed with wonderful friends who have taken me to my chemo appointments. Jerry took me for my first treatment, and I'm so grateful that he was there for me for my whole first round. He was a great nurse and "mother hen" when I needed to be observed and helped during something that was very new and scary. Since then, I've had some dear friends who have volunteered to spend my chemo days with me. They have patiently waited while I've been poked and prodded, and we've had fun conversations and lots of laughs while the chemicals have dripped into my system. It's been a joy to spend time with them! So thanks Tiff, Cindy, and Mindy. You are terrific! And as for the other wonderful friends who have taken me for shots following chemo, they've made this whole process fun and enjoyable. Thanks, Karen and Carol (and Tiff, too). You're great!

There is a motto at the Rocky Mountain Cancer Center, which states: LOVE HEALS. I really like that, because it's so true. It's much more than just medicine and technical skill; it's also about love and compassion. And in the infusion room, there is a little plaque which says: MIRACLES HAPPEN. It's all because of faith and love, and I see it in my life every single day!

Cathi

Prayer

Friends and Family, I would like to ask you to find a moment in your week to offer a special prayer for Cathi. This stage of chemo is full of physical fatigue and discomfort, but especially mental weariness and loneliness. I've seen Cathi ascend our stairs and struggle to breath or to keep her balance. I watch her battle every day to be positive and to sometimes just survive the day. When others are around her, they see happy Cathi or smiling Sister Van Leuven. An important part of her determination to lick this cancer/chemo experience is to NOT give in to the drama. However, another important strategy Cathi is learning is to be open and genuine about her suffering, at least with me. We've had some great talks the past few weeks that have always ended up as a blessing for both of us.

I believe in the power of prayer. I've been the recipient of others' prayers and have also participated in praying for others who experience small miracles as a result. This weekend I pondered the greatness of our forefathers and the lasting principles that aided them in their moments of trial.

Here's something President Abraham Lincoln stated to the troops regarding his dependence upon prayer during a challenging time...

"Well, I will tell you how it was. In the pinch of the campaign up there (at Gettysburg) when everybody seemed panic stricken and nobody could tell what was going to happen, oppressed by the gravity of our affairs, I went to my room one day and locked the door and got down on my knees before Almighty God and prayed to Him mightily for victory at Gettysburg.

I told Him that this war was His war, and our cause His cause, but we could not stand another Fredericksburg or Chancellorsville... And after that, I don't know how it was, and I cannot explain it, but soon a sweet comfort crept into my soul. The feeling came that God had taken the whole business into His own hands and that things would go right at Gettysburg and that is why I had no fears about you." [July 5, 1863]

Like Lincoln, I believe our personal battles are the Lord's battles if we will only release our grip and allow Him to take over. It is the difference between using our own tenacious will to row through an ocean of giant waves blocking our sight vs having the faith to just hoist a sail and allow the very winds that cause the waves to carry us through. Prayer is what allows us to do this...and I ask that you join me in a private moment this week to help lift Cathi's sail. Today she will have her fifth round of chemo with only one more left in three weeks. Although the end is in sight, she is weary (behind her smile). If you haven't had a moment of sincere reflection and prayer in awhile, I hope this will also help you to plan for that pause in your life. I was reminded this week of my need to stop rowing, to pause longer, and to reach harder for the help of Him who is so anxious to carry me through my battles. If you have a moment, click below to hear someone else's inspiring experience with prayer.

Vodka

Last night, Cathi, Leah and Emma were invited to a "ladies only" party hosted by our WONDERFUL neighbors. The party was actually in honor of people we know who have struggled with cancer and other diseases (including Cathi, our other neighbor Bonnie, and the late husband of one of the hosts, Shelley, who died last year of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease...he was only 52 years old). Christy, Shelly's daughter, told Cathi that her hope was that she and Bonnie could attend and that her dad would be able to look down from Heaven and be there as well. The breast cancer symbol had been expertly mowed into their front lawn, two husbands (in black clothes and sunglasses) were parking cars for guests, the inside of their home was decorated very nicely, they had prepared beautiful cakes and refreshments for the guests, and had several very nice items to raffle in order to raise money for cancer and CJD research. All in all, it was a very classy affair.

Well, my three sheltered Van Leuven ladies went over and walked directly to where the drinks were being served thinking, "those pretty pink drinks with the strawberries look fun"...and proceeded to partake. Cathi thought it tasted good and began mingling with the other women. Emma thought it was awful but politely kept drinking. Leah, on the other hand, loved it, downed it, and went back for more. As she approached the counter, she saw a sign that explained the content of these particular drinks...vodka.

Coming from a Mormon family, this was quite shocking news for Leah. She quietly told Emma about "their sin" and waited while watching their mom finish up her current conversation, intermittently sipping her drink. Finally, when there was a lull, the girls told Cathi she was drinking liquor. In disbelief, Cathi looked over at the sign and, within a few seconds, all three were laughing at what they had done!

Needless to say, for a 13 year old, a 16 year old, and a 48 year old who have never tasted anything harder than a Sprite on rocks, this was a unique experience. They were all a little overly light-hearted and giddy when they came home to tell me about their "new" experience...it was pretty hilarious!

We are SO GRATEFUL for good neighbors who show such genuine care toward our family and so tolerant of our funny ways. We've grown to love everyone around our culdesac and appreciate their kindness since moving to Castle Rock two years ago. Bonnie, Claudia, Shelley, and Christy have been such strong examples for us of women who continue to forge through their sadness and loss with such a positive outlook and willingness to serve and help those around them.

True Confessions About Jam

I must share a true confession with you. I, Cathi Van Leuven, am forty-eight years old and have never made jam before...until today! I grew up with a mom who cooked, canned, and froze just about everything, yet for some reason I've never tried doing all of those wonderful things that my mom used to do. I've never been an adventurous cook because I'm always afraid that if I try something new it won't turn out well.  I'm not a bad cook, I'm just not very brave about trying new things. Dumb, huh?

Well, this week I found some wonderful strawberries on a GREAT sale, and I bought quite a few. The kids and I had strawberry shortcake (Jerry was in New York all week), and the next day Leah and I sliced most of the berries, put them in bags, and froze them. How nice to have some luscious frozen berries for future smoothies or other goodies!

Since freezing the berries, I've been thinking that I really need to try making some jam. After all, everyone says that making freezer jam is super-easy. Well, I overcame my fear and stubbornness, found a recipe on the internet, read all of the comments so that I'd know how to tweak the recipe, and decided that this was my week to make jam. Yesterday, I bought pectin and some groovy plastic freezer jars. (I didn't even know that these existed until yesterday.) Today I woke up feeling very tired and NOT in the mood to make jam, but I got over it quickly. I bought a bunch more berries, came home, and got to work. Emma, Leah, and I soon had fourteen jars full of jam, plus more sliced berries for the freezer. How cool is that? Granted, all of you have probably made jam many times before and would think nothing of my little homemaking victory. But for me it was a BIG DEAL. Silly but significant, too!

I can't help but think that my experience with cancer has helped me to be a bit braver and to try things that I haven't done before. I'm grateful for the energy that I had today to try something new, for two sweet daughters who made our little project a lot of fun, and for that nice little feeling of accomplishment when the task was finished. I may not have run a marathon or won a major award, but I did something new!

Some Lists

I asked Cathi if she could tell me about all the weird ongoing symptoms she experiences from her chemo, surgeries, etc. Since most of you don't live with her, I thought it might be interesting for you to hear about her normal life in the form of this list...

• dry lips
• dry skin
• dry nasal passage
• diarrhea at times
• constipation at times
• swelling in her arms, hands, feet, and legs
• metal taste in her mouth
• cold sores
• loss of hair
• soreness in her chest and arms, particularly after her Nulastin injection that increases creation of her white blood cells
• urinary tract infection (just one so far)
• dizziness
• blurry eyes
• restlessness and fatigue (at the same time!)
• inability to focus on things
• lack of memory
• sad moods (occasionally)
• hot and cold flashes (especially at night)
• sleeplessness at night
• lack of appetite (at times)
• nausea (only once for a straight hour)
• fluid retention (for a few days after chemo)
• sensitivity to the sun (got a sunburn after just a few minutes)
• unhealed wound where the port was put in her chest
• constant cough and weird voice because of damage to vocal cords during surgery

Here are the things that bring Cathi comfort (to sort of counter-balance the negative symptoms):

• Wearing a soft turban-like hat at night to keep her head warm
• warm, long showers
• back rubs from her wonderful husband
• lots of soft pillows and blankets
• staying indoors out of the sun (which comes naturally to her anyway!)
• Tylenol, Tums, Imodium and Colace...some of her over-the-counter medicines of choice
• the two anti-nausea drugs Compazine and Kytril (they work miracles to prevent nausea for the first 6 days after chemo)
• medicated lip balm (given as a gift from a friend who recently finished chemo)
• Ativan (a drug she takes the first week after chemo that helps her to sleep at night)

Although you will rarely hear Cathi complain about this whole experience (and more likely hear her make light of it), this is NOT the easiest thing in the world. The effects of the chemo are much more than physical. Cathi explains that because the drugs affect her concentration and cause restlessness and fatigue at the same time...and because the treatment spans so many weeks, it's really easy to slip into irrational thinking and forget that it will end. Fortunately, the timing of the worst effects have been fairly routine. She gets her chemo on a Tuesday and will be fine Tuesday and Wednesday. Somewhere around Thursday, the worst will start kicking in and she'll suffer through until Saturday when she starts feeling a little better.

The good news is that she is on the downhill side of this.  By August, the chemo will be done and she will start on a 5-year regimen of hormone therapy, which will be another fun adventure (but nothing like what she has been enduring).

I'll end with another list...things I (we) have gained as a result of this experience...

• new friendships
• stronger old friendships
• Food (I think of the many meals we've received as some of the "perks" of cancer and I'm sad at the thoughts of these ending someday!)
• hugs from strangers
• flowers
• greater sense of family
• learning what the power of faith means and learning to rely upon it
• courage
• perspective
• an appreciation for Cathi's beautiful eyes
• humility
• awareness of little things
• greater love of nature
• greater love of good music
• enthusiasm for life
• learning not to sweat the dumb stuff
• flexibility
• expressiveness
• general, stronger connection with people
• chance to prove my love to Cathi
• new appreciation for her
• new dependence upon the Lord
• gratitude

Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for Cathi and serve our family in so many ways.  We are very blessed!

Flower Power

(From Cathi)

The other morning, I received a wonderful surprise from a dear friend. She called me up and asked if she could come over and give me some flowers that she'd picked from her yard. Of course, that sounded wonderful to me. Well, when she walked in, carrying a vase full of lilacs, my heart just melted. The smell was heavenly, and the flowers were beautiful to look at, as well. Lilacs are some of my favorites, and the lovely smell took me right back to my childhood. Just one whiff made me think of all the times when I would stop and smell the lilac bushes near our home, as I walked home from school each day. Giving me those flowers was a small and simple thing, yet it totally made my day!

Receiving those lilacs yesterday made me think of all the other beautiful flowers that I've been given during the past few months. I've had friends bring flowers as they've come to visit, and I've also had friends and family send flowers from great distances. Some have been rather simple bouquets, and others have been elegant arrangements. There have been all colors and many varieties of flowers, and I've loved them all. When I've looked at them or enjoyed their scents, I've been reminded of the great people who have shared their love and support. Although every single flower has been appreciated greatly, I want to mention a couple of bouquets in particular:

On February 15, less than an hour after receiving the unpleasant phone call, telling me that I had breast cancer, a dear friend from church came by with a bouquet of flowers. She didn't have much to say, but she gave me a big hug, shed a few tears with me, and let me know that she was there for me. Her simple act of kindness truly let me know that I was not alone in my new challenge. I'll never forget how that felt!

Another beautiful bouquet arrived the week after I had my first chemo treatment. It was an edible fruit bouquet--huge, delightfully arranged, and delicious! The thing that was so special about this lovely arrangement is that it was sent by two people I've never even met. They are Western Union co-workers from California, and they cared enough about Jerry and our family to send this incredibly thoughtful and generous gift. They will never know how much that touched my heart!

Jerry mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the Young Women (ages 12-18) and leaders in our church have been planting flowers for us. Whenever I see the beautiful varieties of flowers on our front porch, I'm reminded of how much I love these wonderful teen-age girls and adult leaders. I'm so privileged to teach and get to associate with them all, and I love it! I'm truly blessed!

Half Way There & Church Family

Cathi has now endured three of the six rounds of chemo she is scheduled for...so she almost has MOST of this behind her.  The week of chemo has become almost routine...Tuesday she receives the chemo drugs and feels great; Wednesday she goes back and receives an injection to boost her white blood cell count and feels okay; Thursday she's in bed sleeping solid and also feels a lot of aching in her chest from the white blood cell production; Friday she's still tired but not as much; Saturday she starts getting back to her normal self.  We've noticed that with each round, she's a little more wiped out and might have an extra symptom (this last time, she developed some mouth sores)...but for the most part, it's routine.  She doesn't talk about it much, but I think looking ahead at having to continually repeat this "routine" is a little emotionally taxing.  But if you're a kid in the Van Leuven family right now, you're basically seeing a happy, engaged, fun Mom.

Meanwhile, life goes on...last week, I stepped up into the laundry room from the garage and felt a familiar, painful ZAP down my back and legs.  I crawled into bed for a few days and swallowed steroids and pain killer.  I'm doing great now, but it was pretty weird with both Cathi and I confined to the sick bed together.  I am SO grateful for our church and the people in it.  The first day of my confinement, one of our church members took Cathi for her chemo (and a different church member took her back for her injection the following day).  I texted another church member and asked if she could pick up medicine from the pharmacy for me...20 minutes later, it was done.  I called another church member and asked if he would go by my office and pick up my laptop so I could work at home.  He finished an important meeting he had and immediately made the trip to my office and not only delivered my laptop to me, but (with another church member) gave me a Priesthood blessing that speeded up my recovery.  On Thursday, we didn't have one but TWO meals delivered...both delicious!  We count ourselves very blessed to be part of such a wonderful "family" of friends who truly care about each other and serve people around them (both in and out of our church).

Unconditional Real Love

When I brought Cathi home from her surgery many weeks ago, we turned into our culdesac and immediately saw that someone had posted a bright, pink flag in our front yard with the breast cancer emblem on it.  At first, we were a little concerned thinking our neighbors might think we were advertising our great suffering or asking for their pity.  But soon it became apparent that this gesture was the beginning of something wonderful.

Over the last several weeks, we have noticed a steady stream of new, various types of flowers being planted on our front porch.  Because we live at 6300 feet elevation and have had occasional snowfall, the flowers have sometimes disappeared during the cold then reappeared when the air warms up.  It soon became apparent that the person responsible for this kindness was NOT just one person but many.

We are so fortunate to have people in our lives that willingly forget themselves and put the needs of others first.  I remember hearing a story about a woman who lost her husband.  After the funeral, the burial, the big family dinner...after all the noise had diminished and this woman finally found herself alone in her home, she allowed herself to break down and cry...to finally mourn the loss of her husband and the beginning of a new, lonely life without him.  Several hours went by and her grief couldn't be consoled.  She began walking through her dark, empty house, recalling memories and feeling the pain of her loss.  As she passed by one of the windows, something caught her eye through the curtains.  Why would her best friend's car still be parked in the street this time of night?  As she looked closer, she could see the face of someone behind the steering wheel and suddenly felt a rush of love as she realized that there was someone in that car who was also mourning in the dark...for her.  Her friend knew she needed time alone to experience her grief and that her greatest expression of love would be quietly sitting in her car, sharing her sadness from a distance.

In 1 Timothy 4:12 we are told, "...be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."  There is power in selfless, unconditional, real love...both for the giver and for the receiver.  I believe that that is at the core of what life is all about.  We want you to know that we feel your quiet sadness as we pass through this trial.  We feel you cheering Cathi on as she moves onto her next chemo treatment.  We feel a lot of loving arms around our family keeping us safe, happy, and hopeful.  Thank you.

The following video expresses the power of this unconditional real love in a remarkable way, reflected in the lives of a bunch of teenage girls...

Pity Party

A couple of weeks ago, our family had a great Saturday together. Leah and I went shopping for our Easter dinner and it felt good to do a big, organized grocery shopping expedition. We all colored boiled eggs together, made cookies together, and had an all-around enjoyable Saturday. But by the end of the day, I was feeling plenty tired and sore and just ready for bed. Jerry, the kids, and I gathered in our bedroom for family prayer, something we do each morning and evening. Jerry called on Emma to prayer and I thought he said “Mama,” so I started praying. Of course the kids exploded with the giggles.

For some reason that night, I didn't find my hearing loss to be funny. Instead, it just made me angry and embarrassed, and soon I was in tears. The kids felt terrible and quickly left our room, probably wondering if their mom was cracking up. I was left feeling very sorry for myself. It didn't seem fair that I have to struggle with hearing loss, on top of everything else. These $4000 hearing aids that I wear are great in many ways, but they still don't give me crystal-clear hearing. Therefore, I still misunderstand things or miss them completely, and it embarrasses me--even in front of my own family sometimes! Oh, poor me!

A couple of minutes later--still with tears in my eyes--I went to retrieve a pillow from behind a chair in our bedroom. I reached with my right arm (not so strong, since having nineteen lymph nodes removed a couple of months ago), and I lost my balance, nearly toppling over. Jerry walked in during all of that, and then I DID get embarrassed. By this time, I was an angry, awkward, sad, sobbing, feel-sorry-for-myself mess!

Jerry (otherwise known as Dr. Jerry or Nurse Jerry) sat down with me and told me that he could tell that the adversary was having a heyday with me, causing me to dwell in self-pity rather than reality. I knew he was right, and I appreciated his counsel, yet I was still so tired, mad and sad that I didn't really want to talk about it. I just needed some sleep.

Well, the next morning turned out to be a cold, overcast Easter Sunday, yet it was still a beautiful day. (I love cloudy days!) I woke up with a clear mind and a heart full of gratitude, forgetting the woes of the night before. Yes, I still have a hearing loss, but so do many others in this world. In fact, many cannot hear at all. Yes, I still am struggling with the challenges of cancer and its treatment, but so are many others. Truly, every single person in the human race is struggling with a variety of challenges; it's just part of mortality. Our Savior is aware of every single challenge--big and small--that we go through, and He is there to help us through these trials, every step of the way. He knows what we're experiencing because he has already atoned for us, and His perfect love will see us through! Focusing on those truths changed my dark perspective from the night before to one of light and joy.

What a great Easter day I had and how grateful I was that my little "pity party" of the previous night had ended. My mind and heart had changed from a "poor me" attitude to an "attitude of gratitude," and that's where I want to stay.

Faith or Naivety?

 I read this morning about the success of the new broadway musical, "The Book of Mormon." I've read that it depicts Mormons and Mormon missionaries as naive do-gooders that, throughout the show, learn what real life is about. If there is any group of people that are more apt to poke fun at themselves, it's us...Mormons. There is a certain culture I grew up with that does provide a lot of material for a good comedy.  I'm not sure how close this musical gets to the line of disrespect and it isn't important enough to me to find out, but reading about this portrayal of naivety has caused me to ponder how Cathi's cancer (something VERY real for our family) has forced me to reassess my own faith.

Several postings back, when this cancer was still very raw and new, I wrote about an inner struggle I was having with my faith. The core of my struggle was, "Am I seeking to have faith or am I just being naive to comfort myself?" All my life, I've held to the beliefs of my parents and their parents...over a dozen of my ancestral lines go back to the Mormon pioneers who believed a modern day prophet was upon the earth...people who left all they had and spent all they had to get to America only to be persecuted and pushed further and further into the wild western territory of the United States. I was born and raised in Salt Lake City simply because of the great sacrifices of these European ancestors to get there so they could be free to live their beliefs.  My nature has always been to follow my heart with those things that are imprinted upon it, those things that are not seen but are true.  I've also received a lot of kidding about not drinking or smoking or swearing or becoming uncomfortable with crude language or topics (which I don't mind a bit).  But am I just being naive?

As I contemplate my faith this morning, I think about how our family is handling this cancer...something that could be so dark and devastating to all of us. Some of you might have been uncomfortable with the last silly posting with Cathi's funny wig poses...and maybe wondered to yourself, "Poor Jerry and Cathi are putting up such a good front but I know they are really suffering inside." It is true that, from time to time, each member of our family will feel sorry for ourselves as we take in the reality of this challenge. But any strength, any feeling of hope and joy you feel from our family during this time is real...it comes from our faith that God is real and He is in the details of our lives. We know this.  Just as my pioneer forbearers put one foot in front of the other, leaving their possessions behind and burying children on the trail because of THEIR faith during tought times, we are NOT naive about the difficulties cancer requires and the potential places it could lead us but have chosen to take the path of faith...and in doing so, have had our faith increased by seeing many miracles we can't deny. We shouldn't be honored for our faith.  We have simply drawn from the faith of many others who share our beliefs and many who don't.  But we do want you to know of our trust in the Lord and to see the blessings we are receiving for that trust. The great thing is, anyone is capable of making this same choice and receiving these same kinds of blessings during a challenge.  Cancer sounds so frightening and big, but I'm convinced that every person struggles (or will struggle) with challenges that are just as big for them.

There is no other way to handle tough times in our lives...it's all about faith in someone who has the power to guide our path.  And it's NOT being naive.

The Look

We've all sort of gotten used to seeing Cathi around the house in a turban or scarf this week...but none of us were quite prepared for her enthusiasm over trying out new wigs.  It's almost like watching the old movie "Three Faces of Eve" or even scarier..."Sybil."

Because she can't quite decide on the look she really wants, we thought it would be a good idea to ask the people who know her best...what do YOU think?  Look at each photo below then vote (to the right) the look you think depicts the REAL Cathi Van Leuven.  Feel free to post a comment!

Lola

Lucinda

Betty

Myrtle

Marilyn

Frita

Alberniqua

Thelma Lou

Donna K

Here's the look that Cathi made her first real public appearance with at church this morning...the kids and I think it's a keeper!

A Family Night to Remember

Monday night, we all gathered around and took turns snipping and buzzing Mom's tender head, careful not to cause any minor cuts (which could be a big problem with no white blood cells to fight off infection). One of the last major cancer mysteries is now finally solved...no more need to worry about this milestone...IT IS DONE! 

Here's the Good Sport herself flashing her characteristic peace sign while her anxious offspring are hoarding celebatory pizza to build up their artistic energy...

Here's Leah sporting her Florida Gators pajamas while she takes some of the first snips...

Here's Emma finally satisfying her urge to give her mom an 80's mullet...

Here's my Little Buddy refusing to take any part of this while enjoying more pizza...

Here's Mom trying to be either a punk rocker or a tough motorcycle mama...we weren't sure which...

Finally, here's the boy who was most anxious of all to give his mom the very same buzz cut she always hated on him.  This is about the time when all the hair stylists and onlookers turned into Mom's greatest cheerleaders...

Here is what was left of Mom's hair...

And of course, Mom was left...still the same, fun, roll-with-the-punches Mom.  She quietly left the pizza, the hair and all the excitement and found herself in front of her bathroom mirror, alone.  I'm sure she took a deep breath and wiped a few tears as she told herself, "I'm doing it!"